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With questions swirling around the assassination attempt on President Trump, America has been able to rest easy knowing the brilliant minds at the Federal Bureau of Investigation were on the case. After two weeks running over the scene with a fine-tooth comb, the FBI has assembled all of the evidence and reached eleven shocking conclusions:

  1. There may or may not be a man named Donald J. Trump: A huge breakthrough.

  2. A state named “Pennsylvania” most likely exists: Still awaiting final confirmation.

  3. The shooting did not take place on January 6th: Phew!

  4. A guy with a rangefinder, ladder, and rifle was present for no apparent reason: Interesting.

  5. A loud, popping noise occurred: The true cause of the noise is still up for debate.

  6. Some sort of red liquid came gushing out of Trump’s ear: What it was, we may never know.

  7. Bullets go fast: Those sleuths at the FBI are all over this one.

  8. Ross and Rachel were on a break: We knew it!

  9. An unknown object struck Trump after a bullet was shot out of a rifle at his head: Fascinating.

  10. Trump fell down: Probably because of the loud noise, but who can say.

  11. The pictures Secret Service took of the shooter 20 minutes beforehand are really great quality: Like, wow. They have a real gift.

Thank you for all of your hard work, FBI!

Watch how a D.E.I. consultant magically turns a video game into… well, something else entirely.


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