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New York Gov. Kathy Hochul gave cheating spouses an early Christmas present, signing a bill repealing a long-standing statute that made adultery a misdemeanor. She called the law “silly” and “outdated.” Past efforts to kill the bill and others like it had been shot down for fear lawmakers would be criticized for endorsing infidelity. But isn’t that essentially what Hochul has done?

Her predecessor Gov. David Paterson made an equally boneheaded blunder that goes hand in hand with Hochul’s. In 2010, he signed a bill enacting no-fault divorce. Under it, New York became the final state to permit unilateral divorce. In other words, divorce on demand, without proof or cause. Paterson echoed Hochul’s sentiment, claiming New York had finally aligned its laws with the “21st century.”

Before the enactment of no-fault divorce, plaintiffs were required to state a cause of action just like in every other lawsuit. Standard reasons for the breach of the marriage contract included adultery, cruelty, and abandonment. Indeed, research shows a high association between infidelity and divorce, with estimates of marital infidelity ranging from 20 to 40 percent. Only betrayed spouses had the right to file for divorce, however, for the simple, logical reason that they were the aggrieved party.

But here’s the rub. No-fault divorce laws empowered cheaters to sue for divorce and leave the marriage with impunity, thus rewarding them for their wrongdoing. Although reconciliation can be difficult, many marriages survive infidelity. No-fault divorce not only stripped divorce law of due process, but it also took away the legal choice given to betrayed spouses to try and save their marriages.  

Ample research establishes the devastating effects of no-fault divorce. Betrayal in particular causes deep and abiding trauma, including such health conditions as PTSD, depression, anxiety, substance abuse, and eating disorders. I’m a 22-year divorce survivor who was diagnosed with PTSD. I still have an occasional traumatic flashback, often aggravated by my work — two decades of writing about divorce and advocating for reform.

People reach out to me regularly when hit with their own unexpected betrayal. Two wrote to me during the Covid-19 lockdowns to thank me for my article about how I’d overcome suicide. Like me, they’d contemplated it in the middle of the night. By the way, divorced men have a suicide risk factor eight times that of divorced women.

How dare Hochul call so much pain “silly.”

Augmenting the injury, compensation for betrayal in divorce court is rare. Divorce courts exist for the sole purpose of facilitating family breakdown. And forget sympathy. Judges don’t want to hear it. My own judge hauled me into chambers to tell me I needed to find another partner like my husband had.

My experience is not unique. People in our culture take their cues from our laws and leaders. Today, their standard line to friends going through divorce is to move on and get over it.

Yet the U.S. Supreme Court has repeatedly held that marriage is a fundamental right. The New York Senate reiterated that right as part of the state’s public policy when it passed the Marriage Equality Act, stating: “Marriage is a fundamental human right. … Stable family relationships help build a stronger society.” These are mere hollow words given the lack of laws and policies that stand behind them.

State laws condemning adultery have been slower to come off the books than fault-based divorce laws. But New York and other states now striking them down weren’t enforcing them anyway. What if they had been? Would betrayal have become as normalized in our culture as it has?

Every time I turn around I read about another book glamorizing polyamory, even for couples who have children. The marriage rate is at an all-time low. Hollywood stars are practically awarded medals of honor for their indiscretions. It’s fair to say the amount of publicity ink spilled over Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie did more to enhance their lucrative careers than their acting skills.

Indeed, infidelity is big business. Look at Ashley Madison. The multi-million dollar online pimp business that started in 2001 currently boasts 85 million subscribers. The company’s trademarked slogan claims: “Life is short. Have an affair.” To that, I’d add this important disclaimer: “But don’t forget, hell is forever.”

Maybe criminalizing adultery isn’t the best 21st-century approach to shoring up marriage, especially given the exorbitant cost of living. After all, incarcerated spouses can’t work to pay for groceries. But these laws were enacted to serve the worthy goal of deterring divorce. That became harder to accomplish, if not impossible, once no-fault divorce swept the nation, resulting in a doubling of divorce rates.

Under these circumstances, perhaps keeping adultery on the books in New York would have been no more than a crumb to betrayed spouses. But it was still a crumb of recognition. Hochul swiped that crumb away and left nothing in its place, not even a word of comfort.

What else could she have done? Plenty. Refused to sign the bill for starters. If she truly cared about the welfare of betrayed spouses and their families, she could have told legislators that she wouldn’t sign the bill until laws were also in place to guarantee compensation to betrayed spouses in divorce lawsuits.

She could have endorsed legislation repealing no-fault divorce. Clearly that wasn’t going to happen, but she could have recommended that legislators add moderate bipartisan legislation like the Parental Divorce Reduction Act to help ailing couples and their children. She could have spoken out against infidelity and the harmful consequences of divorce. She could have demanded legislation requiring cheaters to pay for the mental health expenses of betrayed spouses.

Need I go on? Her inaction speaks volumes.

Sure affairs happen. Sure everyone makes mistakes. But whatever happened to promoting healthy marriages and reconciliation, and heaven forbid, doing the right thing? Remaining faithful to your marriage is a choice too. So is leading with integrity and courage. Too bad Hochul chose not to.

Beverly Willett is co-founder of the Coalition for Divorce Reform and a former lawyer. She is the author of “Disassembly Required: A Memoir of Midlife Resurrection.”