We support our Publishers and Content Creators. You can view this story on their website by CLICKING HERE.

SACRAMENTO, CA — Governor Gavin Newsom neatly addressed California’s wildfire problem earlier today by announcing that fire will finally be outlawed in California.

The measure will prohibit fire in any and all forms including pilot lights for gas-lit stoves, home fireplaces, and gargantuan wildfires. Sources say that the ban could even expand to include the fire emoji at some point in the future.

“After doing some research on this problem, it occurred to me that all these wildfires have one thing in common: fire,” Newsom said to reporters.

“In order to better protect the people of California from fire damage and potentially carcinogenic exposure to wildfire smoke, I will be outlawing all fire in California, effective today,” Newsom told reporters. “Quit banging those rocks together, Gary — and I see you with that magnifying glass, Phyllis. No more lighters, people. From here on out, no one in California will be allowed to do anything as dangerous to public safety as making fire. Problem solved.”

The move has met significant opposition from marijuana lobby groups, who put up enough of a fuss that Newsom quickly allowed a provision stating that Californians can make fire as long as it’s for doing drugs. An additional amendment has been proposed to protect the rights of Antifa members to ignite city-wide race riots.

At publishing time, the mayor of LA had declared the city a sanctuary city for any outlawed wildfires that felt discriminated against by the new ban.

Thanks to clown world, it’s been a great year for comedy. Here are some of our top-performing sketches of 2024!


Check out our top videos!