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U.S. — Donald Trump revealed his sensitive side this week when he announced he would let his son Barron pick the first country to invade.

“Ever since he was 2 he’s been asking me to invade a country,” Trump told reporters while in attendance at Jimmy Carter’s funeral. “He’d say, ‘Pop, I want to attack Morrowind.’ — or some made-up place like that — but now he’s old enough to choose a real place, so I’m going to let him pick. I’m going to be the father Biden never could be. Sleepy Joe, I call him. Sleeping on his children’s dreams.”

A source close to the Trump family claims Barron is deeply touched by the gesture from his father. “I don’t know what to say, he reportedly said, overcome with emotion. The elder Trump allegedly responded by holding him close and whispering, “Just say Greenland, me boy.”

Though no official announcement has been made, the world’s countries remain on high alert. Russia is particularly vulnerable because they’re already at war with Ukraine, but experts suggest Barron may not be thinking on those terms. “Honestly, he’ll probably troll everyone and invade Taiwan just to throw us off,” said retired General Ben Hodges. “It’s what I would do.”

Critics argue letting a child choose a country to invade is no basis for foreign policy, but Trump disagrees. “It’s the kind of gift every father should be able to give to his son,” he said. “Plus you really can’t go wrong. So many good options, frankly.”

At publishing time, Panama announced they would become a U.S. territory, officially removing them from the list of possible countries to invade.

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