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SHAWNEE, KS — Concerns grew in a local neighborhood this week, as passersby reported hearing what they believed to be faint pleas for help from within one home only to discover they were coming from the family’s dried-out Christmas tree as it begged for death.

Authorities arriving on the scene said the once proud fir tree remained in the corner of the living room, where it had been cruelly neglected and left to die of dehydration after Christmas was over. Sources close to the ensuing investigation said the tree was pleading to be put out of its misery.

“Please, someone, please kill me now,” the tree, later identified as Douglas, reportedly wept. “They just left me here. I’ve still got their godforsaken ornaments hung all over me. They haven’t watered me for weeks. Weeks. Do you want to know the worst part? They still turn the string lights on every night. It’s January, you psychopaths! Just let me die. Stop displaying my decaying corpse like some sick trophy and just let me die.”

One individual who lives in the neighborhood identified the tree as belonging to the Jasper family and said this was not the first time the family had abused its holiday decor. “It almost seems like they do it on purpose,” the neighbor said. “They leave their Halloween jack-o-lanterns on the porch past Thanksgiving, with those sad pumpkin faces growing more twisted and deformed as they are left to rot. Now, that poor tree. Sometimes you never know what horrible things happen in your own neighborhood.”

At publishing time, a law enforcement source confirmed that the tree had passed away shortly after being removed from the house and wished to be turned into mulch and scattered on a nearby farm.

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