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WASHINGTON, D.C. — With only two weeks left before handing the reins of power over to the new administration, President Joe Biden’s online store announced a special clearance sale that included Presidential Medals of Freedom for just $9.99.

White House sources revealed that the president’s staff had ordered all online store inventory to be liquidated as soon as possible, resulting in prices being slashed on all remaining products and customers snagging great deals on the prestigious Presidential Medal of Freedom.

“Rock-bottom prices! Everything must go!” said Stacy Masters, manager of Biden’s online store. “These Presidential Medals of Freedom won’t be available forever, so get yours for the low, low price of $9.99 while supplies last! These are perfect for actors, pretend TV scientists, failed presidential candidates, and even evil global powerbrokers. Snag the highest civilian accolade today!”

Consumers across the country were thrilled to have the opportunity to take advantage of such killer deals. “Hey, look at me, I’m an award-winner!” said Phil Linneman of Lincoln, Nebraska. “I’m just a corn farmer, but I couldn’t pass up such a great price on a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Just $9.99 got me my own medal, just like Hillary Clinton, George Soros, and Denzel Washington. We’re all part of the same club.”

At publishing time, though the Medals of Freedom were nearly sold out, the Biden online store was also offering substantial discounts on pardons, Hunter Biden original paintings, and influence on U.S. policy (available only to rulers of foreign countries).

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