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U.S. — In an effort to address recent violence, the United States Army has decided to begin asking applicants if they plan to carry out a massive terrorist attack.

“We really need to start asking if they intend to convert to Islam and go on a suicidal rampage,” said General Lee Richardson. “It would be nice to know ahead of time.”

After multiple recent instances of Army veterans committing horrific acts of violence, the Pentagon decided an overhaul of the application system was in order. “Perhaps we should begin checking if people are deranged psychopaths before we show them how to build bombs,” said Richardson to fellow military brass. “Oh, we could also ask if they are schizophrenic and hear voices telling them to blow themselves up. That would be good, huh?”

Additionally, the Army has announced that it will establish a hotline for soldiers to call if they have the urge to commit a heinous act of terrorism. “If any soldier feels compelled to start gunning down innocent people in the name of Allah, they can call 1-800-NO-JIHAD,” said Army spokesman Max Denton. “We really hope this will cut down on the number of soldiers going on a jihad.”

At publishing time, the Army announced it would also adopt a very strict “no making suicide vests while on duty” policy.

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