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SAINT CROIX — What had already been a relaxing family vacation to usher in the coming new year became the site of an even greater celebration, as news of the death of former President Jimmy Carter made it official that Joe Biden had finally claimed the title of Worst Living President.

Administration officials admitted behind the scenes that it was an achievement that Biden had worked long and hard to secure, with one insider disclosing that the president had begun to lose hope that he would finally attain it due to Carter’s shocking longevity. Biden gave brief remarks to reporters upon cementing his claim to the title.

“It’s a great… a great… I’m honored to… it’s official,” Biden said. “Jimmy Carter proudly held the title of Worst Living President for so many years. He was a man of great… of so much… a lot of… things. And he will always be fondly remembered for… all of it. But now that he has passed, I am proud to claim the title and carry it on until… whenever. Hopefully forever. We finally beat Medicare, folks.”

Biden was then whisked away by Secret Service agents to spend the day at the beach. A White House statement clarified Biden’s remarks. “President Biden is proud to add another historic accomplishment to his resume,” the statement read. “Though it was thought for many years to be impossible, Joe Biden has taken the title of Worst Living President from Jimmy Carter. The Biden administration has been all about making history, and this is further proof.”

At publishing time, Bill Clinton had lodged a formal protest by claiming Biden had been dead for several years.


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