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The 2023 college football bowl season brought us a lot of excitement, but we were not prepared for the true barbarity on display in last year’s debut of the Pop-Tarts Bowl. Here is our coverage if you missed it, but suffice it to say that the game was the least enthralling aspect of the festivities (Kansas State beat N.C. State 28-19).

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No, the true draw of the event, to the shame of humanity, was the ritual sacrifice of a Pop-Tart named Strawberry at the end of the game, followed by the players and coaches from the winning team ripping Strawberry to shreds and devouring him like a bunch of South Pacific cannibals eating up Joe Biden’s Uncle Bosey. 

Here is one image from the carnage (Warning: send the kids into another room). 

And they do this just three days after Christmas, the monsters. 

Well, the Pop-Tarts Bowl was back in 2024 and while many fans were looking forward to an offensive shootout between Miami and Iowa State, many others were dreading what the bowl organizers could do to top last year’s display of brutality. 

Hold our frosting, said the game’s organizers. 

First, the festivities opened by having the poor toaster pastries perform a debauched striptease like they were the headline dancers at Spearmint Rhino in Las Vegas. 

What in the the daddy issues did we just see? What, you couldn’t afford a stripper pole too? 

Oh, you have no idea. They were just getting started with the depravity. 

Last year, at least Strawberry got to enjoy himself before the game sacrificed him to the toaster pastry gods. This year? The three tarts vying to avoid being toasted alive had to compete against each other for the right to survive, like in the show Squid Game. 

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The contenders in 2024 were Wild Berry, Cinnamon Roll, and Hot Fudge Sunday. 

And we are now worse than Lord of the Flies as a society. 

The organizers even allowed the Pop-Tarts to be molested and almost eaten alive by the Miami mascot, Sebastian the Ibis. 

Sweet merciful crap! Have we no decency left among us, America? Where is Security?

Matters truly went off the rails, however, when the bowl game attempted to equate last year’s sacrifice, Strawberry, with our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. 

You brought back a zombified, shredded abomination in the eyes of God and you think this makes you the good guys? 

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You tell ’em, Aretha! 

And why would they bring back Strawberry still mutilated and devoured instead of as a whole and healthy toaster pastry? Even Star Wars let Anakin become a Force Ghost as his youthful self, not in his older, broken body. 

Where is Indiana Jones to rescue these helpless sacrifices? 

Like Paul Atreides in Dune, we’re half hoping that Strawberry — or what is left of him — gets all other snack cakes to rise up and wage a jihad against all of humanity. 

At this point, you can’t say that we wouldn’t deserve it. 

Don’t attack the other Pop-Tarts. Attack the humans. 

Some trumpets need to start blowing, that’s for sure. And maybe another flood. 

Eventually, the game came to an end. Miami and Iowa State DID deliver on fan expectations with an exciting offensive shootout. Iowa State won the game in a thriller 42-41. 

Then it was time for the bowl organizers to pretend that we are all 15th century Aztecs. 

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Cinnamon Roll lost the Shirley Jackson-style lottery and was sunk into the volcano (in this case, a giant toaster) by Iowa State quarterback Rocco Becht. 

Good God. They actually crowded around and cheered for this cruelty. Even animals don’t do this. 

AND THEY MADE THE OTHER POP-TARTS WATCH! 

They FORCED Wild Berry to do that. 

Or else it was into the toaster with him too. 

Even Stephen King never dreamed up a horror scenario quite this abominable. 

Maybe it’s time for the machines to take over. We have failed. 

These people need Jesus. 

And by ‘Jesus,’ we mean the real Jesus, not a re-animated, grotesquely defaced Strawberry Pop-Tart. 

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Didn’t we colonize America centuries ago to STOP this kind of atrocity taking place? 

But we anthropomorphized the Pop-Tart to MAKE it human. We may be no better than those Mayans. 

May God have mercy on our souls. 

OK, in case you haven’t figured this out by now, we are mostly having some fun with the Pop-Tarts Bowl because they make college football a lot of fun (still, some parts of this were pretty disturbing). 

It was always George Washington’s dream to eat giant Pop-Tarts sacrificed in front of him.

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Whatever else you want to say about the rituals of the Pop-Tarts Bowl, you have to give credit to Pop-Tarts’ Marketing team that has made this game go viral for two years in a row.

Long may he be remembered. 

Congratulations to the Iowa State Cyclones on their win and to the Pop-Tarts Bowl overall for providing a truly entertaining experience. 

Still, we’d love to see the Pop-Tarts Rebellion at next year’s game. 

Let’s see if the announcers or referees like being lowered into a toaster!