Rand Paul's Festivus Report: What Your Government Piddled Your Money

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So, I have been dealing with a pretty nasty cold for about two weeks, and in my weakened condition, I have been somewhat out of the loop. However, I am led to believe that our esteemed place-keepers in the District of Columbia managed to cobble together a spending bill to keep our government from shutting down.

A government shutdown? Please. No. Don’t. A government that is not here to enrich our lives? Whatever would we do? (You’ll have to imagine me saying that in a completely deadpan voice.)

Spending bill or no spending bill, there is no question that, as Jack Kerouac once put it, our “holy slop-jaws” in Washington excel at spending money on things that would get the rest of us slapped into a four-week coma if we told our spouses we had ever opened the household budget for anything as remotely ridiculous as they do in the nation’s capital.

To that end, Rand Paul has issued The Fesitvus Report 2024, outlining in sickening detail how the aforementioned slop-jaws managed to pizzle away $1,008,313,329,626.12 of your hard-earned and quickly appropriated tax dollars on projects that would gag a maggot. For example:

The National Endowment for the Arts forked over $10,000 to the Bearded Ladies Cabaret for an ice skating show focused on climate change.

What’s the impetus for the show, you ask? The founding artistic director describes it: “It’s so impossible, the issue of climate change and climate anxiety right now — almost as impossible as drag queens learning how to ice skate. So if we can get these drag queens to ice skate, maybe, just maybe, we can solve the climate crisis.”

For some reason, the Department of the Interior decided to spend $12 million to build a pickleball complex in Las Vegas. Personally, pickleball has always seemed like some sort of unholy amalgam of tennis and ping pong, but if you like it, play it. I don’t have a problem with that, although I do have an issue with the DOI dropping $12 million on courts in a city that probably has a hundred or so of ’em.

Apparently, Las Vegas has more pickleball players than Elvis impersonators, and these racket-wielding enthusiasts are running out of places to play. The city’s pickleball players are in such a pickle that the federal government has set aside 5.43 acres to ensure they have ample space to serve, volley, and smash their way to pickler fame.

Not to mention, the architects of this complex aim to put Las Vegas on the global pickleball map by hosting tournaments from local to international levels. Move over “World Series of Poker,” there’s a new game in town.

Because as you know, everyone goes to Vegas to play pickleball.

Since anyone who gets their news from any sources other than CNN, MSNBC, or the New York Times is a rube and possibly a terrorist and white supremacist who hates daisies and puppies, the Department of State blew through $330,000 to censor non-progressive and conservative media outlets.

Through the National Endowment for Democracy—a private foundation bankrolled by the State Department—and the Global Engagement Center, $330,000 of your money was handed over to the Global Disinformation Index (GDI).

It’s bad enough the U.S. government is wasting your money, but now they’re using it to undermine your freedom—with the help of GDI, a British organization, no less!

Those are just the greatest hits. Other standouts include:

$419,470 to figure out if lonely rats did more cocaine than happy ones
$4.8 million in aid for social media influencers
$365K for circuses in city parks
$3 million to support “Girl-Centered Climate Action” in Brazil. (How dare you?)
$873,584 to support the movie industry in Jordan
$288,563 to create safe spaces for bird-watching groups
$2.1 million for border security. No, not for the U.S., for Paraguay. Yes, you read that right, Paraguay. I think we spent $1.95 on border security here
Since January 2022, $2.24 has gone out the door so scientists could figure out if cats could transmit and contract COVID-19

Does anyone in the legacy media have any more questions as to why Donald Trump won the election? I used to envy Vivek Ramaswamy and Elon Musk for their wealth and position. But their work is cut out for them. Faced with spending like this, their hair is going to turn white before June of 2025.