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SACRAMENTO, CA — In an effort to crack down on the invasive influence of American culture, the state of California announced that come January, it will commence mass deportation of U.S. citizens.

Governor Gavin Newsom issued an order today for authorities throughout the Golden State to begin preparing for a statewide operation to round up and expel all native-born American citizens from California.

“This will help California stay California,” Newsom said in his announcement. “For far too long, we have put up with the increasing effects of having U.S. citizens walking Californian streets, buying up Californian housing, taking Californian jobs. No more. We’re drawing a line in the sand. It’s time for these Americans to get out of California and go back where they came from.”

The move was met with mixed reactions. “It’s about time,” said one non-citizen who entered the United States illegally in 2021. “I’m tired of seeing Americans everywhere I go. Don’t they have a place of their own?” Others said the deportations would not be sufficient. “We should build a wall,” said another illegal immigrant. “Did you know that most of them don’t even speak Spanish? Can you believe that? Get them out and keep them out. California — love it, or leave it.”

At publishing time, Newsom said the deportations would begin in earnest in January but refused to comment on the possibility of allowing some American citizens to remain in California as refugees. “California has its own problems to deal with,” he said. “We can’t be helping everyone else from other places.”


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