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It’s Christmas Eve Day, and you’ve finished your shopping. The gifts are wrapped, the ham is ready for the oven, and your bar cart is full. Perhaps it’s time for a nap before your family begins to arrive around 7:00 pm. Then you get the text from your liberal brother-in-law you didn’t expect: “Hey, happy holidays, me, wife, her boyfriend, and teh kids will be ther by 8. fyi Kaitlyn goes by Kyle and Connor now goes by Muhammad.“

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That nap is out the window; you’ve got gifts to buy.  

It’s starting to snow, as you’d hoped, but that was before you knew you had to go out and buy presents for people you only see when there is free food to be had. 

FACT-O-RAMA! Liberal family members do not bring gifts. They only eat, drink your good booze, fill up Ziploc bags of leftovers, and then scram.

You don’t have time to window shop — what you need is a plan.

Your libdolt brother-in-law is the easiest to buy for, but exactly how does one wrap a job? You’d like to give him a pair of gonads, but his wife will just lock them down like the other two. A bottle of testosterone pills would be great, but he fears “toxic masculinity” may cause him to “racistly” defend his family against a potential home invader. What’s the answer?

Perfect Gift  All Gender Under Panties (colors include: Sail Blue, Washed Lavender, and Beach Plum)

Your neurotic, overly medicated sister-in-law Beth will be harder to buy for. Two years ago you spent a ton of money — at your brother-in-law’s behest — installing an outside door to her private bedroom so she could work on her phallophobia. The door worked wonderfully and, after dozens of visitors, she now identifies as a “prom” (promiscuous) pansexual, except when it comes to your cuck brother-in-law, in which case she identifies as a steadfast aroace.

Perfect Gift Option 1 100 ct box of Pink Kitty Honey Sachet Female Condoms; Multi-size pack

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Perfect Gift Option 2  Link to 17 Bible Verses as to why she should stop being a ‘ho.

Knowing what to get your sister-in-law’s boyfriend is difficult. Is it the same guy she brought over on Thanksgiving? Or is she back with the two gents you met on Labor Day? Does it matter?

Perfect Gift  Quest at-home STD tests Grab Bag; total = $1,203.20

What should you buy for little Bobby Muhammad? College life can be challenging and making the switch from college nerd to campus anti-Semite is a serious decision in a young liberal bigot’s life. And let’s face it, going to college is all about being cool. He can’t terrorize Jewish students unless he’s looking fab, right? What’s the answer?

Perfect Gift  Keffiyeh from Etsy

Now the hard part: what to buy Kaitlyn Kyle?

Kyle’s now in her senior year of college. Though she has been working on her eating disorder since the 3rd grade, Kyle can’t seem to lose those last 160 “vanity” lbs. 

FACT-O-RAMA! Every liberal will enjoy receiving a cop of Lizzo’s Christmas hit, “I’m Dreaming of a Diverse Christmas.”

She never had reason to use that gift card to Planned Parenthood you got her last year, and that ISIS Bride starter kit from the year before is collecting dust in her closet. 

But now Kaitlyn is a man, so let’s treat her like one!

Only a transphobe believes genitals define gender, but Kyle is going to love a realistic STP (stand to pee) phallus, available in numerous sizes and colors, not that either of those things matters.

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For an extra $15, you can throw in a “packer” pecker. Whether she is urinating her name in the snow or showing off in the men’s locker room, Kyle can be the man she currently thinks she is.

There you have it, your no-fail gift list for the progressive family members in your life whose only Yuletide goal is to ruin Christmas for normal people. Remember, to them, Christianity is a scourge on the planet.

FACT-O-RAMA! As per PJ Media’s own Robert Spencer, in 2016, Islam was responsible for roughly 88% of worldwide terror attacks and 99% of terror-related deaths. Say what you like about Christianity, but I have never seen a nun explode.

Wanna hear about a great gift idea for patriotic Americans? How about a PJ Media VIP subscription?

Merry Christmas everyone!