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HEAVEN — Upon arriving in Heaven, Ron Darnold was absolutely stoked to discover that the angelic choir greeting him sounded exactly like the Trans-Siberian Orchestra.

“Oh man, that sounds just like ‘Sarajevo 12/24.’ This is SWEET,” said Darnold, as the angelic choir hit the chorus. “Here comes the electric guitar… aw yeah, buddy!”

Enraptured in light beyond what his human intellect could have imagined, Darnold was pumped beyond measure as the angelic choir played one Trans-Siberian Orchestra hit after another. “This is so epic,” whispered Darnold as the angels launched into “Carol of the Bells.” “These guys are incredible. I can’t believe I get to listen to this for eternity. This is the best.”

At publishing time, Darnold was further amped to learn that his perfected body also had hair like the dudes from Trans-Siberian Orchestra.


Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he’s hanging up the hat for good.


Watch Santa’s retirement announcement