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Fat people are fighting back against the cruel airline industry because they can’t fit in their tiny seats. 

That’s right. Nearly 40,000 fat Americans – I can say ‘fat’ because Trump won and this country is toughening back up, thank GOD – signed a petition called the Body Equality In Travel petition hoping to convince airlines to start making their seats bigger. 

Personally, that just sounds like a fancy way to ask them to make every seat a first-class seat, but what do I know?

Anyway, the leader of this Fats Against Planes petition is some big-boned TikToker named Jae’lynn Chaney, who pumped out this video and went mega-viral just a few weeks ago:

Sorry fat people, this is on you

Hilarious. Look, I hate flying. I hate planes. I hate the whole damn thing – except the airport bar. I LOVE a good airport bar. Very underrated, much like a hotel bar. If you could drink at a hotel bar at 6 a.m. like you do at Gate 6, it would be a toss-up. 

Where was I? Oh yeah. Fat people against the airlines. Sorry, can’t blame Delta on this one. They didn’t make you fat. You made you fat. Instead of putting all that energy into this petition, harness it and put it into a salad once in a while. 

There. Fixed it. Now, you can fit in 15B. You are welcome!

Look, this is nothing against fat people. I was one. Hell, I’m certainly on my way back to being one because A) I have two kids, B) it’s the holidays, and C) I have two kids. It’s only a matter of time until I’m back over 200 pounds. And then 220. And then, before you know it, I’m closing in on three bills. Can’t wait. 

But, I used to be a husky kid. That’s what they called me to make me feel better – husky. As if I didn’t see right through that BS. I knew what they were doing. I wasn’t dumb. 

But, I also didn’t bitch and moan about it and start a fat people petition. Instead, I worked as a cabana boy on Nantucket one summer, lost a ton of weight, maybe mixed in a cigarette or two to speed up the process, and BAM – skinny Zach was born. 

So no, this isn’t on the airlines to make their seats bigger. I’d rather they focus 100% on not crashing, and 0% on the fat people. Good balance there. At least for me. 

Sorry, Jae’lynn. Happy holidays, though!