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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The United States Congress introduced bold legislation this week that, if passed, would ban reading any future spending bills until after they become law.

“We needed to pass a new budget to give ourselves raises and pay off lobbyists and bankrupt the country,” said House Representative Kay Granger, Chair of the House Appropriations Committee. “But people keep reading the bill and ruining everything.”

“Reading is a grave threat to democracy,” she added.

House Speaker Mike Johnson, who previously said reading is fundamental, plans to bring the Readers Are Dweebs Bill to the house floor soon. “Look, I just need to pass this budget, then I can go home for Christmas and sit on the couch and eat ham while I watch my kids open presents,” he said. “If banning reading is the way to do it, then so be it. I mean, we’re certainly not going to draft a reasonable budget. That would be ridiculous.”

Though polling suggests the American people would support a government budget that decreased the national debt, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer vehemently opposed the idea. “Chucky’s gotta get paid, son,” he told Fox News.

At publishing time, Representative Thomas Massie had attached a rider to the Readers Are Dweebs Bill, which banned writing spending bills.


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