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CBS’s Stephen Colbert delivered his usual round of lackluster one-liners during his news summary on Wednesday night’s episode of The Late Show. After a couple digs at Congresswoman Nancy Mace (R-SC) and astronauts stranded in space, the host pivoted to the latest on President-elect Trump and the $15 million settlement in his defamation suit with ABC News; the first time a show on CBS has mentioned the settlement.

Colbert began by referring to a new lawsuit Trump filed against Iowa pollster Ann Selzer and the Des Moines Register for a poll that falsely reflected him trailing behind Vice President Kamala Harris, whom Colbert affectionately called “the nice lady who didn’t do the crimes.” 

The host ridiculed the president-elect for demanding accountability, wondering, “So now it’s interference just to get a prediction wrong,” before following up with a lame Punxsutawney Phil comparison.

Perhaps Colbert should have checked himself before milking the joke any further but he continued with a comment on the lawsuit’s claim that the newspaper favored Harris “through the use of a leaked and manipulated poll.”

“It’s true. The Des Moines Register leaked its poll where you’d least expect it: in the Des Moines Register,” he scoffed to the apparently immense hilarity of his studio audience. 

If Colbert spent more time doing his research and committing to at least a minimal standard of accuracy in his lousy jokes, he would quickly find that a probe had been launched into a possible leak of the poll’s findings, which occurred before it was officially published.

In fact, what Colbert dismissed as a simple “prediction” was sufficiently important for a Semafor article to label it a “bombshell” poll. And while polling involves a certain amount of estimation, Selzer herself admits that her thirty years in the profession led to an A+ Nate Silver rating which “never dropped.”

Evidently confused by the reason for the lawsuit, CBS’s host questioned his audience, “Why is this stupid thing stupidly happening?” He concluded that the only explanation was “the stupid, stupid thing ABC did,” specifically their agreement to the settlement in the defamation suit as well as an apology to Trump.

This prompted Colbert to issue a mock challenge to “the president” for “bully[ing] the media into never saying anything bad about him” before abruptly changing the topic, as if to perpetuate the regime media’s new pet fear of the “chilling effect” they are convinced will follow as a result of ABC’s settlement. 

The transcript is below. Click “expand” to read:

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

12/18/2024

11:42:51 PM EST

STEPHEN COLBERT: Back on Earth–back earthside, remember that Iowa poll that came out right before the election that showed Trump losing the state by three to four points to the nice lady who didn’t do the crimes? Well, uh, Trump remembers because yesterday, we found out that Trump is suing Iowa pollster Ann Selzer and the Des Moines Register newspaper for that poll, claiming they were seeking “accountability for brazen election interference.” You won! 

[Laughter]

COLBERT: So now it’s interference just to get a prediction wrong? Well in that case, Punxsutawney Phil, you better lawyer up, buttercup…

[Laughter and applause]

COLBERT: …if you ever want to see your shadow again. 

[Cheers and applause]

COLBERT: I got another one. I got another there for you. The lawsuit says the defendants favored the Democratic nominee, quote “through the use of a leaked and manipulated poll.” It’s true. The Des Moines Register leaked its poll where you’d least expect it: in the Des Moines Register. 

[Laughter and applause]

COLBERT: Same way I leak my opinion every night at 11:30, 10:30 central, following your local news sports and weather leaks. So, why–wait, why–the question is–this is the question, my friends: why is this stupid thing stupidly happening? My guess,  because of the stupid, stupid thing ABC did. You see, this weekend, ABC News agreed to pay $15 million and issued an apology to settle a defamation lawsuit. And if the president…

[Crowd boos]

COLBERT: If the president thinks he can bully the media into never saying anything bad about him, well…What else is going on?

(…)