13 Most Surprising Things In The New Spending Bill

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Ostensibly designed to merely keep the government open until March, suspicions arose that the new spending bill may have a few things added after it clocked in at 1,500 pages and $1.2 trillion. The Bee has reviewed the bill line by line, uncovering the following thirteen shocking items:

$5 billion for construction of tiny racquetball courts for midgets: Feels a touch superfluous.
$500 million to construct a new shell for Mitch McConnell: Poor little fella.
$10 billion to put more drones over New Jersey: Wait a minute…
Standing permission for Mike Johnson to stay out with his friends past 9 p.m. and he can no longer be grounded by his mother: Oddly specific.
$700 million for a lab to study what happens if you make the coronavirus more transmissible and deadly: Smart.
$70 billion for literal pork: Barrels of pork, far as the eye can see.
$370 million to study the effects of climate change on gender fluid salamanders that have chicken wings surgically attached: Mission critical.
$10 million to replace all artwork in Capitol Rotunda with paintings by famed artist Hunter Biden: What a bargain.
$200 million for a new face for Nancy Pelosi: Those eyebrows aren’t going to raise themselves.
$50 billion for “gay stuff”: They didn’t specify, and we didn’t ask.
$9 billion for the rights to the Nickelback song “Photograph”: Really feel like we got hosed on this one.
$3 billion for a second electric mail delivery van: You’re welcome, Mother Earth.
$120 billion for the “Big Guy”: One last time for old time’s sake.