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WASHINGTON, D.C. — In the fallout of Senator Mitch McConnell’s fall and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi’s hospitalization in Luxembourg, the United States Congress passed a bipartisan bill requiring LifeAlert buttons to be installed at every congressional seat.

According to representatives who proposed the bill, the new measure is a “helpful precaution” for the sake of the 80% of Congress who are nearing the age of 100.

“It’s been a long time coming,” said Representative Marco Rubio. “We’ve been neglecting the elderly in this country for far too long — no more so than here in Congress. But this new measure ought to add some level of security for those of our members who suffer some form of a medical emergency on a near-daily basis. It was either this or we move all legislative sessions to the Shady Acres Nursing Home just outside of town.”

Other members of Congress were relieved by the news. “It’s nice to know help is only the push of a button away,” said Senator Chuck Grassley, 91. “The next time one of us suddenly falls to the floor or goes catatonic in the middle of a sentence, we can get paramedics here quickly. It makes sense to provide such an accommodation to the room filled with some of the most powerful decision-makers in the world.”

Other proposed improvements for Congress include a parking lot for all of the congressional motorized scooters and complimentary temporary dentures in case a legislator leaves theirs at home.

At publishing time, all Senate business had to be postponed for the day after 14 lawmakers had pressed their LifeAlert buttons due to medical emergencies.


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