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One of the worst phrases to come out of the entertainment industry in recent memory has been, without a doubt, ‘updated for modern audiences.’

We’ve seen disaster after disaster come out of Hollywood along these lines, from Amazon’s bastardization of J.R.R. Tolkien for its Rings of Power series to Apple TV’s similar trainwreck adaptation of Isaac Asimov’s Foundation books. 

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Of course, when it comes to ruining beloved properties, no one holds a candle to Disney. They have reduced the juggernaut Marvel Cinematic Universe to a green She-Hulk twerking for the cameras, turned the Star Wars franchise into a joke with shows like The Acolyte, and well, the less said about what they are doing to Snow White, the better.

Now, Netflix seems intent on following Disney’s dumpster fire business model by taking on a new adaptation of C.S. Lewis’ seminal Christian allegory series The Chronicles of Narnia, which has been adored by generations of children. 

We kind of already knew that this was likely to be a disaster when Netflix hired uber-feminist Greta Gerwig to helm the film adaptations. This week, producer Amy Pascal seemed to confirm most of our fears when she noted to Deadline that Gerwig’s Narnia series was going to be ‘all about rock and roll.’ 

Umm … wut?

It is difficult to determine what Pascal meant by this phrase since she didn’t elaborate (nor was she asked to elaborate), but the comment alone raised giant red flags with everyone who heard it. 

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Narnia does not need a ‘new take.’ It has been around for 75 years. The reason the books have stood this test of time is precisely because the original product was that outstanding. 

It doesn’t need ‘updating’ by post-modernists who hate nothing more than original authors and their works (especially if those authors are dead, religious, white men). 

That’s a solid prediction right there. 

The only glimmer of hope for the films is that Gerwig herself has stated that she is ‘very scared’ about taking on the project, possibly an indication that she knows how much the books mean to most people who have read them. 

But it is just a speck of hope at best, especially in light of Pascal’s comments. The more likely outcome is that the films will be perverted to suit a modern agenda and lose everything that made people cherish the books. 

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Yep. That’s what we’re expecting. 

Some people might suggest that it is unfair to judge before Gerwig has even started filming. She and Pascal could alleviate some of the skepticism by assuring fans that they are going to stay true to Lewis’ vision when he wrote the Narnia series. 

They have not said anything remotely like that. We should ask why they have not. And Pascal’s comments make it pretty easy to assume that they don’t care at all about fidelity to the original works. 

Right? Is Jadis the White Witch going to be played by Lady Gaga?

(We know, we know. Don’t give them any ideas.)

If we had to guess, Option B is what we are anticipating. 

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It’s a fair expectation. It’s up to Gerwig to prove skeptics wrong. But we don’t imagine she is interested in doing that. 

You and everyone else, Luke.

We shudder to think of what will become of poor Aslan.

As we said, it’s one of the most nefarious phrases to be uttered in entertainment history

Just ask Roald Dahl.