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UNKNOWN LOCATION — The infamous hacker known as Morpheus reportedly encountered a desperate 40-year-old, where he offered the man the ultimate choice: a red pill of ibuprofen, or a pink pill of Pepto-Bismol.

The 40-year-old man, named Jon Haron, had felt deeply that something was amiss with his body, and had long searched the internet for an answer that seemed to have no name.

“At last. Welcome, Jon,” began Morpheus. “As you no doubt have guessed, I am Morpheus.”

“So, are you the mod from the back pain Reddit?” asked Haron, confused. “Why am I here?”

“You’re here because you know something,” responded Morpheus. “What you know you can’t explain. But you feel it. You’ve felt it your entire life. That there’s something wrong with your back, and also your tummy. You don’t know what it is but it’s there, like a splinter in your mind driving you mad. It is this feeling that has brought you to me. Do you know what I’m talking about?”

“Um, yeah. My back hurts a lot and I have frequent indigestion,” said Haron.

“I know exactly what you mean,” said Morpheus. “Like everyone else, you were born into bondage. This is your last chance. After this there is no turning back. You take the pink pill, your tummy feels better, you wake up in your bed and continue dealing with chronic back pain. You take the red pill, you stay in a pain-free though gassy Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.”

Haron, thinking hard, began to reach for the red pill.

“Remember. All I’m offering you is the truth of how much ibuprofen you can take before it gives you an ulcer,” cautioned Morpheus.

At publishing time, Haron had reportedly taken the red ibuprofen pill, but immediately regretted it as his indigestion was especially bad after the tacos he’d eaten.

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