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BENTONVILLE, AK — Sources within Walmart’s corporate offices confirmed that the company will be terminating its DEI program and instead adopt a policy of treating all its employees like garbage regardless of their race or gender.

According to several high-ranking Walmart executives, the U.S.-based retail giant was refocusing its efforts to treat all its employees equally awful, rather than giving different treatment to some based on their gender or the color of their skin.

“At Walmart, we’re committed to equality,” said Walmart Executive Vice President Dan Bartlett. “That’s why we will be doing away with any previous DEI-derived policies in favor of an even playing field in which every single one of our employees will be treated like absolute trash. We apologize to all of the worthless individuals working at our stores — including white heterosexual males — who we may have offended in the past due to discriminatory practices and promise to do better by treating everyone like refuse from this point forward.”

When reached for comment, one Walmart employee appreciated the change. “It’ll be nice to be treated like everyone else,” said Jared Sharp. “I’ve worked here for a few years, but I’ve always felt like there were different tiers of employees. Whereas management might treat one group like garbage, another group will be treated like utter feces. Now, we’ll all be equal.”

At publishing time, Target had also announced the end of its DEI program, which was already irrelevant as 100% of its workforce was made up of transwomen of color.

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