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Since marriage vows don’t always accurately depict what happens in a marriage, they can set unrealistic expectations.

To help, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following more modern — and more accurate — wedding vows for both brides and grooms:

  • Him: “I promise to always go get you tacos when you suddenly want tacos, even when it’s 10:30 pm and I’m in bed already.”

  • Her: “I promise to not ask for your opinion on which color of curtains to put up in the guest room when you’re watching the game and the tying run is on 3rd with two outs.”

  • Her: “I vow to always pretend to be interested in your weird obsesssions, whether they happen to be fishing, golf, or citing the names of obscure NFL running backs from the 1970s.”

  • Him: “I promise to always listen to you talk about your problems and be willing to help fix them but I won’t offer to fix them unless you specifically ask, unless you want me to, and I’ll try to figure out when you want me to without your specifically asking me to.”

  • Her: “I promise to act like I’m impressed when I accidentally brush up against your bicep and you’re clearly flexing as hard as you can.”

  • Him: “I vow to always take your side when there’s drama with your friends, even if logically your position is pretty iffy.”

  • Her: “I promise not to ask you to get me some water every single time you get up to do something. Just, like, maybe every other time. Wait, what do you mean my position is pretty iffy?”

  • Him: “I promise to sometimes remember to throw my socks in the general direction of the hamper.”

  • Her: “I promise not to call a repairman to usurp your manhood even when you’ve promised to fix something for the past 6 months.”

  • Him: “I promise to always say I’m sorry and admit I’m wrong, even when I’m not.”

  • Her: “I vow to always graciously accept your apology when you finally realize you’re wrong.”

Adding these new vows will really bring weddings into the 21st century. Let us know your own ideas for updated wedding vows in the comments below.

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