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U.S. — According to the findings of a groundbreaking new study, 100% of your Super Smash Bros. losses only happened because you had the bad controller.

The comprehensive research project, which examined the outcome of every single Super Smash Bros. match you’ve ever played in your life, indicated that all of the matches in which others defeated you must be listed with an asterisk with a notation indicating that your opponents had the good controllers while you had to use the off-brand controller that had sticky buttons and a broken piece that rattled around inside of it.

“This provides a concrete explanation for every loss you’ve suffered,” said researcher Dr. Thomas Pergola. “Our data shows that people forced to use the ‘bad controller’ — such as a MadCatz controller or one that had the stick that totally didn’t feel right — were at much greater risk of suffering defeat than those who had the luxury of using the ‘good controller.'”

According to the study, this phenomenon applies equally to every title in the series, even the simpler first title in which every controller was broken. “Some controllers are more broken than others, especially when opponents use Kirby. That’s why they had to nerf him in Melee,” said Dr. Ryuta Kawashima, chief author of the study. “And don’t get me started on Jigglypuff.”

Additional research was ongoing to determine whether or not any matches you lost while you had the good controller were because of the stage, issues with the console’s CPU, or your fingers being greasy from Totino’s pizza rolls.

The study also showed that a surprising 100% of the 1v1, no-items, Fox-only, Final Destination, 3-stock deathmatches you won were a direct result of your incredible hand-eye coordination and gaming skills.

At publishing time, another study had confirmed that all of the matches you ever lost at slumber party GoldenEye tournaments were because the other players screen-looked.

Check out the new, improved, more inclusive D&D.


Enjoy this inclusive playthrough session!