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In his past life, Secretary of Defense nominee Pete Hegseth did some things he is not proud of but insists that he is a different man today. Instead of celebrating Hegseth’s transformation, the late night comedians mocked his pledge not to drink on the job on their Wednesday shows and attacked his mom for defending him.

On CBS’s The Late Show, host Stephen Colbert declared, “In case you didn’t know, having a Secretary of Defense who cannot stay sober might be bad, because ‘a Secretary of Defense is generally working at all hours and might need to respond to a crisis at any time, day or night.’ Now, to calm fears about this exact issue, Hegseth’s team has released this ad.”

The satirical ad started with Hillary Clinton’s 2008 “It’s 3 a.m.” ad, where the narrator asks, “It’s 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep. Who do you want answering the phone?” and was followed by a fake Hegseth adding, “It’s Pete, bitch, I’m drinking Baileys out of my third wife’s shoes! Woo hoo! Let’s bomb France!”

Colbert then mocked Hegseth, “Today Hegseth foreswore on the job drinking, saying, ‘this is the biggest deployment of my life, and there won’t be a drop of alcohol on my lips while I’m doing it.’ A bold pledge that can only mean one thing. He’s going to butt chug.” 

Over at ABC, the eponymous host of Jimmy Kimmel Live! and his audience snickered at the idea Hegseth could be a changed man, “In one incident they say Pete became so intoxicated at a work event, he had to be stopped from joining dancers on the stage of a Louisiana strip club. I don’t know what kind of work event that was, but Hegseth says these are all lies and also promised that if he gets confirmed by the Senate, he will stop drinking. But if not, he’s storming The Capitol Grille at happy hour.”

Kimmel also recalled, “The New York Times got hold of a very damning email Pete’s mother sent him about the way he treats women. So, this morning his mom, who apparently shared this with someone who shared it with the Times, went on Fox & Friends to do damage control, which is funny. Has a nominee for Secretary of Defense, has a nominee for Secretary of Defense ever put his mom on TV to help him? Did Donald Rumsfeld’s mom? Leon Panetta? Did his mom do that? No?”

No, but a previous Secretary of Defense wanted to get rid of the Navy and the Marine Corps, and the current DOD chief went AWOL, so if comparing him to his predecessors is the joke, let’s examine all of Pentagon history.

Meanwhile, back over at Comedy Central, The Daily Show’s host of the week, Ronny Chieng, also tried to suggest Penelope Hegseth coming to her son’s defense was disqualifying, “What kind of parent-teacher conference are we watching right now? Because the future Secretary of Defense needs his mom to come out and defend him? I thought you were against women in combat roles. And besides, I never saw Donald Rumsfeld be like, ‘Hey, I have a warning for the Taliban. Mom, you tell them.’”

Chieng added, “Now, the reason Pete’s mom is part of this story is because a few years ago, during his second divorce, his mom sent him an email where she called him, her own son, a habitual cheater, liar, and abuser of women. But now she’s saying, eh, don’t worry about it!”

After a clip of Penelope Hegseth claiming Pete has changed and “most of” the stories going around about him are “misinformation,” Chieng attacked, “What? Misinformation? You wrote the email! You’re the one who told us he is a piece of shit. And by the way, seven years wasn’t ancient history, okay. We still have the same Spiderman.”

 If Penelope Hegseth was a credible enough source to claim Pete had problems in his life he needed to fix then she is a credible enough source to claim that he is a changed man.

Here are transcripts for the December 4 shows:

CBS The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

12/4/2024

11:39 PM ET

STEPHEN COLBERT: In case you didn’t know, having a Secretary of Defense who cannot stay sober might be bad, because “a Secretary of Defense is generally working at all hours and might need to respond to a crisis at any time, day or night.” Now, to calm fears about this exact issue, Hegseth’s team has released this ad.

NARRATOR: It’s 3 a.m. and your children are safe and asleep. Who do you want answering the phone?

FAKE PETE HEGSETH: It’s Pete, bitch, I’m drinking Baileys out of my third wife’s shoes! Woo hoo! Let’s bomb France!

COLBERT: Today. There you go, sure, why not? Chugging Baileys. Today Hegseth foreswore on the job drinking, saying, “this is the biggest deployment of my life, and there won’t be a drop of alcohol on my lips while I’m doing it.” A bold pledge that can only mean one thing. He’s going to butt chug. 

***

ABC Jimmy Kimmel Live!

12/4/2024

11:44 PM ET

JIMMY KIMMEL: In one incident they say Pete became so intoxicated at a work event, he had to be stopped from joining dancers on the stage of a Louisiana strip club. I don’t know what kind of work event that was, but Hegseth says these are all lies and also promised that if he gets confirmed by the Senate, he will stop drinking. But if not, he’s storming The Capitol Grille at happy hour.

The New York Times got hold of a very damning email Pete’s mother sent him about the way he treats women. So, this morning his mom, who apparently shared this with someone who shared it with the Times, went on Fox & Friends to do damage control, which is funny. Has a nominee for Secretary of Defense, has a nominee for Secretary of Defense ever put his mom on TV to help him? Did Donald Rumsfeld’s mom? Leon Panetta? Did his mom do that? No?

***

Comedy Central The Daily Show

12/4/2024

11:05 PM ET

RONNY CHIENG: What kind of parent-teacher conference are we watching right now? Because the future Secretary of Defense needs his mom to come out and defend him? I thought you were against women in combat roles. And besides, I never saw Donald Rumsfeld be like, “Hey, I have a warning for the Taliban. Mom, you tell them.” 

Now, the reason Pete’s mom is part of this story is because a few years ago, during his second divorce, his mom sent him an email where she called him, her own son, a habitual cheater, liar, and abuser of women. But now she’s saying, eh, don’t worry about it!

PENELOPE HEGSETH: Let’s go back seven years, which, if we all went back seven years, we would — we would see that maybe we are not the people we are today. [jump cut] I want people to look at Pete, [jump cut] understand him for who he is today, and to disregard the media. That was seven years ago, and most of it is misinformation.

CHIENG: What? Misinformation? You wrote the email! You’re the one who told us he is a piece of shit. And by the way, seven years wasn’t ancient history, okay. We still have the same Spiderman.