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NEW YORK — New York City prosecutors have vowed to punish the wall-crawling menace known as Spider-Man for acting on his own accord to save the lives of dozens of people on a subway.

In a disgusting display of vigilantism, Spider-Man took it upon himself to confront an apparent schizophrenic “Doc Ock”, who was acting erratic but had not actually physically harmed any passenger.

“Nothing bad whatsoever was going to happen to the people on the train,” said lead prosecutor Stan McIntosh. “Yes, they were only moments away from hurtling off the tracks and exploding in a massive fireball… but no one had died yet. Literally not a single person on that train had been killed when Spider-Man rashly decided to intervene. We as a society cannot allow people like Spider-Man to try to stop a psychotic scientist with robotic arms from dismantling train tracks and hurtling all the passengers into oblivion.”

Called to the witness stand was J. Jonah Jameson, editor-in-chief of The Daily Bugle. “That man is a menace!” he said, pointing out the costumed hero. “I saw it with my own eyes! He put Doc Ock in a chokehold to stop him from murdering everyone around him. That chokehold killed him!”

A public defender worked Spider-Man’s case, arguing that the people on the actual train car had credited Spider-Man with saving their lives. However, prosecutors pointed out that the violent schizophrenic Spider-Man had ultimately killed was really a kindly scientist who identified as a sea creature, and did cool little shows that people on the subway used to love.

At publishing time, Spider-Man had been transferred to Ryker’s Island to serve a 15-year sentence for second-degree manslaughter.

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