The Truth Regarding Retail During the Holidays

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In my professional career, I’ve done time … er, spent time in both the retail and corporate worlds. Presently, I’m back in retail. Thank you for your sympathy, and please note that nothing in this post is being said on behalf of, or in any fashion, is an official or even unofficial representation of, my employer.

As you’ve doubtless noted, ‘tis the season to buy presents. Now that Black Friday and Cyber Monday are firmly in our rear view mirror, a few thoughts on both from the other side of the cash register.

Not to boast or anything — in the immortal words of Babe Ruth, ain’t braggin’ if you can back it up — I was once part of a management duo that did such a good job our store hit its sales goal for the year before Black Friday. The company rewarded our efforts by going out of business a year later, thus bringing even further depth of meaning to the truism that no good deed goes unpunished. As to Cyber Monday, should you order something being shipped from a physical store as opposed to your average Amazon warehouse, rest assured we do everything possible to make sure your order is in pristine condition right up until the time it leaves our building. The team of precision tap-dancing elephants that live in the back of two out of every three delivery vehicles is not our responsibility.

Retail-wise, I’ve worked in everything from a mom-and-pop bookstore (remember those?) to assorted big boxes and variations thereof. Each provides its own set of highs and lows, but overall, I prefer a more intimate setting. As the years trundle on, the enthusiasm for getting in 15,000 steps a day traversing the great wide open of a large store loses some of its luster, this coinciding with assorted joints losing some of their stability, durability, and freedom of movement minus pain when an ibuprofen IV drip is unavailable. Old still beats dead, but some days, you wonder how you can tell the difference.

An observation one makes is that a surprisingly large portion of the population only ventures outside their domicile between Christmas and the following Thanksgiving. This conclusion stems from how many people, with neither age nor gender nor ethnicity coming into play, have not the slightest idea how this retail thing works. It’s really quite simple. While I can’t tell you how to avoid bad customer service, as I am all too aware there are those employed in the retail trade who are less than stellar performers, I can pass on a few hints.

Telephone etiquette. When you call a store and we don’t pick up immediately, don’t take it personally. First, we’re usually busy with customers in the store and can’t get to the phone as quickly as we’d like. Second, through no fault of your own, your phone call will happen at the precise moment when we are at the furthest distance possible from the nearest phone. I have often amazed customers and coworkers alike with my magic power to make a phone stop ringing without actually answering its clarion call. All I have to do is make the maximum possible effort to get to the phone, this invariably involving multiple “I’ll be right with you” first contacts with in-house customers while dodging assorted small children and less mobile objects with footwork sufficiently deft to make a top-tier NBA player driving through the lane to the hoop jealous. The phone will immediately stop ringing just before I can grab the handset. Works every time.

Should you get me on the phone, rest assured I will do my absolute best to answer your question, whatever it may be. Rest equally assured there is no need for a preamble. Nothing personal, but when I am at work with a to-do list that makes Santa’s lists of naughty versus nice children seem like CliffsNotes, I do not have time for a three-minute ramble about you, your children, your grandchildren, an elaborate explanation of what you are looking for without ever actually naming the item, the weather, or being asked which store you are calling. Just tell me what you want, and I’ll get right on it. Honest. Everything else is best reserved for Twitter.

Trust me, we are here to sell you stuff. While there are those in the retail ranks who can’t be bothered to do their job, most of us are aware that our paychecks come directly from the amount of merchandise we sell. If we have it, and you want it, we will move heaven and earth to get it into your hands, shopping basket, cart, etc. If you ask an employee to look for something in the warehouse, and they go into the warehouse only to emerge several minutes later looking like they’ve just dragged themselves out of a mosh pit at an open-air metal festival held during a rainstorm without the requested item in hand, it’s not back there.

Size matters. We do not know your shoe size. Or your clothing size. Or the shoe size or clothing size of your relatives and friends. Nor can we guess based on your description. The only “one size fits all” that, in fact, fits all is a gift card.

Feel free to ask. We don’t mind questions. We do mind when you stare at us. Most of us have some quantity of dogs or cats at home who stare at us when they want something, this something usually being whatever we happen to be eating. Do not be surprised if our response to you staring at us is pulling out a Milk-Bone and telling you, “Come get it.”

Be nice. I am reminded of a story when, sometime during the 1970s, Led Zeppelin’s manager, the late Peter Grant, was at a party in which Bob Dylan was in attendance. Grant went over to Dylan and introduced himself, mentioning who he managed. Dylan replied, “I don’t come to you with my problems.”

Seriously, we’re not here for you to have someone upon whom to take out your bad mood. Unless one or more of us offended you personally, please save the venting for Twitter. It is not our fault you waited too late to shop for that hot item. We do not have an assortment of Santa’s elves on loan from him working in the basement we don’t have to make merchandise appear magically. We, too, have bad days, and to a one we work under strict orders not to take our moods out on the customers individually or collectively. Please return the favor. Some of us are rather fun people with whom to interact when you let us.

Enjoy the holidays. We’ll do our best to help. Honest.