A Man’s Guide To Winning Thanksgiving Dinner

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There’s one day each year when I am very grateful to live in a different state than the rest of my family, and that day is Thanksgiving.

To be clear, I love my family dearly, and I enjoy spending the holidays with them. But Thanksgiving is A LOT of work. And when you’re the family member traveling from out of town, no one expects YOU to be the one doing all that work.

Call it a life hack.

But not all of you are so lucky. In fact, as I write this, many of you are probably watching your wife, girlfriend or mother freak out over all the things that have to get done before tomorrow’s big feast.

Not to make assumptions, of course. Maybe you, the man of the house, are the big holiday planner, the family chef, the Superhero of Turkey Day! Maybe you are this guy:

But, generally speaking, it’s the women who wind up taking the lead on holiday festivities — even if we aren’t always thrilled about it.

So, just like I gave you A Dad’s Guide To Winning Mother’s Day in May, now I’m going to tell you how you can enjoy your Thanksgiving while also earning all the brownie points from the women in your lives, too.

Let’s get right to it.

Go To The Grocery Store

Fellas, you don’t need me to tell you that if you haven’t gathered all of your supplies by now, you are about to be in a world of hurt. 

I would rather run the 40-yard dash barefoot on a field of LEGOs than go to the grocery store on Thanksgiving Eve. I’ve made that mistake before. It was pure pandemonium.

But that’s the price we pay for procrastination. So if you aren’t fully stocked on absolutely everything the family needs tomorrow, you’d better hop up and high-tail it to the nearest Costco — and pray to the sweet potato gods that they have all of your ingredients in stock.

Check your list and then check it twice, Santa Claus. Because everyone will be a whole lot happier on Thursday if your wife isn’t panicking and if you don’t have to run to Kroger three times in the middle of the Bears-Lions game.

If she’s doing all the cooking, it’s only fair that you do all the grocery shopping.

Distract The Children

When I was a kid, my mom and grandma always prepared a humongous feast for all the aunts, uncles, kids and cousins. And we’re Catholic, so there were a lot of them.

Tiny Amber’s job was to peel potatoes. My mom and grandma gave me a miniature red plastic safety peeler and sat me in front of a trash can with a mesh bag of Idahos. Sure, my much older cousin would peel 10 in the time it took me to (poorly) peel one, but I just knew I was being the best little helper!

It wasn’t until I became the older cousin that I realized my potato peeling skills were largely unnecessary. It was just a clever tactic to keep me occupied and out of the way.

I’m not a mother myself, but I’m told it’s very difficult to cook a Thanksgiving spread while also wrangling toddlers, comforting crying babies and constantly responding to, “MOM, I’M HUNGRY!” So that’s where you come in!

Surprise the children with a brand new video game, put on a movie, perform a song and dance number, buy them some Thanksgiving-themed crafts, tie them to a chair in the backyard …whatever it takes!

Deploy any tactic necessary to distract the kiddos and keep them out of the kitchen — unless, of course, they are old enough to actually help.

Keep Her Glass Full

“Pouring into your cup” is a phrase that gets thrown around a lot in the self-help world. Basically, that means practicing self-care (meditation, taking care of your body, getting enough sleep, etc.) in order to replenish your energy and well-being. Likewise, pouring into your partner’s cup means offering your spouse the support and love they need at that moment.

You can do this by listening to them, practicing empathy, performing acts of kindness, or — my favorite method — literally filling their cup. With booze.

You didn’t really think I was going to go all “cliché couple’s therapy” on you, did you?

See, my husband knows this neat little hack about me: there’s no amount of grumpiness that one glass of good Cabernet won’t solve. And I’m certain that’s true for plenty of your wives and girlfriends as well. 

Imagine being tired, hot, elbow deep in green bean casserole, on the verge of a mental breakdown …when suddenly, a hero swoops in with a margarita machine or a wine tasting!

Of course, it doesn’t have to be wine — or even alcohol, for that matter. Keep the coffee fresh and hot and the Stanley tumblers full. Hell, toss some paper umbrellas and bendy straws in the soda cans!

Just don’t ever underestimate how much women love a cute and tasty beverage.

Clear eyes, full cups, can’t lose.

Prepare And Carve The Turkey

I’m never going to be mistaken for a Michelin star chef, but I could absolutely whip up some potatoes, rolls and Stove Top stuffing if I needed to. I can also pop open a can of cranberry sauce with the best of them. But if you put a big, beautiful, uncooked bird in front of me, I wouldn’t have the first clue about where to start.

That’s because meat is a man’s job. I don’t make the rules.

MORE ON THAT: More Women Are Embracing Their Inner Grillmaster …But Why?

Whether you’re baking, deep-frying or roasting that sucker over an open fire, the turkey is YOUR job, fellas — from start to finish.

Ever since I was a little girl, there have been two special, annual moments that truly signify the start of the holiday season: 

1. When Santa Claus appears in his sleigh at the end of the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
2. When my dad waltzes into the kitchen with his big sharp knife, carves the turkey and declares that it’s time to eat.

Say Thank You

If you’ll allow it, I’ll step up on my couple’s therapy soapbox one more time. Therapists agree that every single relationship could be improved with two simple words: THANK YOU.

I’m not saying your relationship needs improving. I’m just saying we are ALL, men and women, guilty of taking our partners for granted from time to time. You’re so used to her doing nice things for you — like cooking an entire Thanksgiving dinner — that you sometimes forget to go out of your way to tell her how much you appreciate those things.

RELATED: Are You Way Too Comfortable In Your Relationship? Here Are The Tell-Tale Signs

If you have waited until the last minute to go to the grocery store, pick up a “thank you” card or some flowers while you’re there. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy. Small tokens of your appreciation go a very long way.

Thanksgiving is a day of gratitude, after all. And no one deserves more gratitude than your wife and the mother of your children.

Lead The Clean-Up Effort

Dinner is done and served! Everyone is fat and happy, and it’s time for the chefs to kick back and relax. They deserve it.

Listen, I know you really want to watch that Dolphins-Packers game. But when time allows, grab your army of male counterparts and knock out those dishes, put away leftovers and pack up a few to-go plates.

But Amber, it’s rude to ask our guests to clean our house!

Not if those guests are your brother and your stoner teenage cousin. So hit ‘em with the ol’ Letterkenny words of wisdom and hit that kitchen like a pit crew!

So there you have it, fellas. Stick to this very handy guide, and you will be a Turkey Day Superhero. Thanksgiving is a lot of work. But teamwork makes the dream work, people!

And remember, if all else fails…

Make A Dinner Reservation

That’s actually what we’re doing. Since we have a small group this year and no kids, we’re taking our happy asses to The Capital Grille for some juicy steaks. Tradition, be damned.

And the only clean-up we’ll have to do is to throw away styrofoam boxes after we eat our leftovers on Friday.

Actually, Capital Grille is kind of fancy. They probably have plastic to-go-boxes.

One More Thing

Maybe work on some new material this year, guys.

Disclaimer: This column, while still containing plenty of truth bombs, is for entertainment purposes only. OutKick will not be held responsible for what happens to you if you hand your stressed-out wife a paper umbrella and a bendy straw. And please don’t tie your child to a chair in the backyard.

Womansplaining is a weekly column about dating, marriage, sex and relationships that runs on Wednesdays at noon ET.

Email your thoughts, questions, stories and gripes to Amber.Harding@OutKick.com or tweet her @TheAmberHarding.