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EL PASO, TX — Americans were assured that the solution to the migrant crisis along the southern U.S. border was close at hand, as soon-to-be Border Czar Tom Homan revealed plans to introduce a family-size trebuchet to speed up the deportation process.

With the plan calling to use the new device to replace the existing single-person trebuchet, Holman said the family-size trebuchet will allow government officials to fling a significantly greater number of human beings back across the border at a time.

“When we talk about throwing them out, we mean throwing them out,” Holman told reporters at a press conference announcing the plan. “The Border Patrol has been messing around with these Mickey Mouse single-person trebuchets for long enough. We’ve got a big problem that requires a big solution, and that solution is a big trebuchet.”

Early tests of the device yielded promising results, as a family of four from Honduras was deported via trebuchet and landed several hundred yards into Mexico. “As you can see, this will improve our deportation efforts exponentially,” Holman said. “I have one message to people who are in this country illegally: pack your bags. Actually, I have a second message: wear clothing with a decent amount of cushion. Because that trebuchet will really chuck you out there.”

At publishing time, the Mexican government announced plans of its own to construct giant piles of tortillas along the border to serve as soft landing spots for incoming families of illegal immigrants arriving via trebuchet.

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