Grab ‘Em by the Posse: Sheriff Donald Trump Has Deputized an All-Star

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“We’ve got too many gangsters doing dirty deeds. Too much corruption and crime in the streets.” — Toby Keith and Willie Nelson, “Beer for My Horses”

If you’ve seen one Western, then you already know the storyline: Somewhere in the American heartland, a small group of desperate dreamers have banded together, hoping to build a better life for themselves, beginning anew in a burgeoning community. But then, a corrupt cabal of outlaws runs roughshod over the citizens! They’re cruel and greedy, looting their land, stealing their resources, and attacking their people until the new sheriff arrives.

The new sheriff is tall, proud, and wears a white hat. And more often than not, he’s riding with his posse.

Well, life is now imitating art in post-election America: Donald Trump is moseying over to Washington Town, ready to drain the swamp, protect the people, and rescue the city from outlaws, thieves, thugs, and gangs.

“‘Cause justice is the one thing you should always find. You got to saddle up your boys, you got to draw a hard line.” — Toby Keith and Willie Nelson, “Beer for My Horses”

The steely-eyed sheriff is the undisputed leader, of course. He inspires the previously fearful citizens with his bravery. Hell, this sheriff is so brave that he wouldn’t even flinch if a gunman’s bullet nicked his ear! Instead, he’d stare right back — and raise his fist in defiance!

Riding high in the saddle, our sheriff shoots from the hip. He has to; Washington Town is riddled with criminals and lowlifes. It’s cutthroat and violent! In dirty, stinkin’ Washington Town, he who hesitates is roadkill.

“Grandpappy told my pappy, ‘Back in my day, son. A man had to answer for the wicked that he done.’” — Toby Keith and Willie Nelson, “Beer for My Horses”

Although he’s undoubtedly brave, our sheriff is smart enough to recognize that bringing justice to Washington Town isn’t a one-man job. No Sirree. Too many outlaws and madmen on the loose.

But not to worry: This sheriff has an all-star team of highly-trained regulators. Specialists, in fact.

It’s a posse of freshly deputized ex-victims of Washington Town’s corruption.

First, there’s Gun Totin’ Tulsi Gabbard. She learned how to shoot in the military, and after the Democrats called her a traitor and exiled her from their community, she’s ready for vengeance. The same corrupt intelligence departments that slandered her good name will now be under her thumb.

Then there’s Rowdy RFK Jr. A powerful behemoth in his own right, he fully understands Tulsi’s plight: He, too, was exiled from his community. They tried to destroy his reputation when all he wanted to do was run for office and make his citizens healthier! No matter. The only things rougher than his singing voice are his fists.

Don’t forget Pistol Pete Hegseth! He served his country as a faithful soldier, but his own army turned its back on him. They accused him of ugly, untrue things. They even tried to ruin his career! Well, Pistol Pete is back — and he’s gonna take the bull by the horns.

Of course, the sad reality of any cowboy movie is that not everyone in the sheriff’s posse will survive. Every now and then, someone in the supporting cast must make the sacrifice play, taking a bullet for the hero. But that’s okay; they knew the risks. (And besides, these movies are always more fun with a revenge-redemption narrative arc.)

With this in mind, we’d like to lower our hats and tilt our heads in homage to Maniac Matt Gaetz, who was just caught in a maelstrom of bullets, right when he attempted to ride over to the courthouse and remove corrupt judges from the bench.

Maniac Matt fought bravely. He was no yellow-bellied varmint, but alas, the onslaught was too great.

“When the gun smoke settles, we’ll sing a victory tune. We’ll all meet back at the local saloon.” — Toby Keith and Willie Nelson, “Beer for My Horses”

We’re down one regulator, but Sheriff Trump is still on the march, still determined to clean up this God-forsaken Washington Town. Come hell or high water, he’ll do it, too.

Even if he’s gotta grab ‘em by the posse.