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WORLD — In the most significant escalation yet of America’s involvement, President Biden has authorized Ukraine to use the Holy Hand Grenade in battle against the Russians.

With time in his presidency running short, Biden has announced authorization for Ukraine to use long-range American missile, anti-personnel mines, and now the Holy Hand Grenade.

“Just remember to count to three, Jack,” said Biden as he called President Zelenskyy to share the news. “Yes, you pull the Holy Pin, and start counting. Not two, not four. Oh, and five is right out, bub. Not a joke. Lob that grenade of Anti, Anti… well, anyway.”

Though both sides have attempted to avoid an outright conflict between the U.S. and Russia, Putin has warned that the use of the Holy Hand Grenade may leave him no choice. “He will feel the wrath of Mother Russia,” said Putin. “We will not stand idle to be blown to tiny bits by a Holy Hand Grenade. We have witnessed its destructive power, and have our entire nuclear arsenal at the ready to respond in kind.”

At publishing time, use of the Holy Hand Grenade had been delayed until Biden could locate the official instructions in the Book of Armaments.

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