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CAMBRIDGE, MA — A team of high-level researchers expanded its working hours this week to intensify efforts to finish an important project before the Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) cuts its funding, as the scientists worked feverishly to complete a study on the effects of giving meth to jetpack-wearing hamsters.

The specialized group of scientists and engineers were reportedly working around the clock in hopes of compiling conclusive data on how hamsters that were fitted with custom-designed tiny jetpacks reacted when given powerful doses of methamphetamine before Elon Musk and Vivek Ramaswamy’s DOGE could significantly cut the study’s federal funding or eliminate the project altogether.

“The work we’re doing is of the utmost importance,” said Professor Burtrom Hemphill, lead scientist for the Hamster Jet Propulsion Laboratory at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. “If this DOGE organization threatens to cut our funding, we may never know how crystal meth affects hamsters that have been specially trained to fly through the air with small rocket-propelled devices strapped to their backs. This project could change the world, but those barbarians might shut us down.”

Though Musk and Ramaswamy declined to comment, a source with connections to DOGE acknowledged that the project was in the crosshairs. “It does seem to be a tad wasteful,” the insider said. “Just looking through their spending, we see that they’ve allocated $4 billion to applying custom paint jobs to the hamster jetpacks and another $6 billion to refine their recipe for meth. These taxpayer dollars could potentially be used elsewhere. Like making sure Americans have food to eat.”

At publishing time, the research team had applied to international governments and billionaire George Soros to provide funding to continue their vital meth-addicted jetpack-wearing hamster research.

DOGE is here, and Elon and Vivek will eliminate millions of government positions


Here are the top 10 most useless positions that they’ll target