Baptists Announce Dancing Now Allowed, But Only If It’s The Trump Dance

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NASHVILLE — The Southern Baptist Convention has long had a strict “frown upon” policy on dancing among its membership, but that’s about to change. The SBC’s executive committee announced Thursday that dancing is now permitted, provided it is the Trump Dance.

“Yes, you can now dance, but only the Trump Dance,” said Eddie Baptist, founder of the SBC. “And you must still leave room for Jesus. No touching!”

According to sources, the subject has been on members’ minds since Trump’s first presidential victory in 2016. The executive committee continued to resist the rhymic allure of dance until a vote among members overturned the previous ban. The Trump Dance is now not only permitted, but it is confirmed as a good work among the brethren.

“I’m so excited to go dancing,” said Amber Tillsdale, a wife and mother who grew up in the Baptist church. “I don’t even mind that I have to dance like Trump. He’s got serious moves.”

Donald Trump’s dance is considered on par with line dancing or synchronized swimming, in that no human contact is needed to “get out the funk.”

“It’s the perfect dance,” said Mark Pilfer. “It makes me feel okay to be awkward and, if I’m being honest, that’s the real reason I’ve been against dancing my whole life.”

Not everyone in the Baptist community has been so quick to give up their previous position on dancing. “We can’t look to Trump as the paragon of virtue,” said Lester Court, 96. “The way a person has to bob their head gently from side to side while doing the Trump Dance is obscene.”

At publishing time, Baptist theologians published a paper detailing that David’s dance before the Ark of the Covenant was most likely the Trump Dance.

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