Fight Night in America: Mike Tyson Vs. Jake Paul (and Why Iron Mike Really

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If you’re a boxing fan, the “what if” game is a permanent part of your playbook. You play the game whenever you’re at a bar, arguing with strangers about the fight scene. It goes like this:

What if Joe Louis fought Mike Tyson?

What if George Foreman fought Sonny Liston?

What if Joe Frazier fought Evander Holyfield?

What if Muhammad Ali fought Rocky Marciano?

Actually, the last fight really happened. Sort of: In 1969, filmmakers relied on an NCR 315 computer (and the participation of Ali and Marciano) to predict what would happen if those two legends ever met in the ring. And Marciano did his best to turn back the clock: He dropped 50 pounds and wore a toupee since he was 45 years old. Unfortunately, one day before his 46th birthday, his Cessna 172 crashed, killing him and two other people.

So Marciano never got to see the ending: For American audiences, Marciano won by KO in round 13, but European audiences saw a version where Ali won by TKO, slicing up Marciano’s face. (I guess we can call that a draw?)

But in all of boxing history, the greatest “what if” fight is this: What would’ve happened if a prime Mike Tyson fought a gorilla?!

In the late 1980s, Mike Tyson visited a New York City zoo and was told of a foul-tempered gorilla that was bullying the other gorilla. In Tyson’s words: “I offered the attendant $10,000 to open the cage and let me smash that silverback’s snotbox! He declined.”

Thus depriving the public of the ultimate dream fight: Man versus monkey.

Most people think the gorilla would’ve won. After all, gorillas are over 10 times stronger than humans. A prime Mike Tyson weighed in the 220s; a silverback can weigh 500 pounds.

Which is why most people bet on the gorilla. But I think they’re wrong: Mike Tyson would’ve whooped that monkey!

Here in Tampa Bay, we live near a primate sanctuary. It has chimps, orangutans, spider monkeys, and more. (My kid used to volunteer there.) Even though gorillas are much larger and stronger than chimps, I’d much rather be locked in a cage with a gorilla than a chimpanzee.

In fact, whenever chimps and gorillas meet in the wild, it’s usually the gorilla who ends up dead. Chimps are ruthless, violent predators and will kill baby gorillas, even when a silverback is standing guard.

If you ever wanna lose your lunch, Google stories about chimp attacks. They’re shocking: The chimp literally rips your whole body apart, tearing away your fingers, nose, ears, genitalia — even your face!

But gorillas aren’t hardwired that way. Unless it’s cornered or directly threatened, a silverback isn’t burdened by an insatiable craving for violence, vengeance, or bloodlust. It’s a wholly different mentality.

If Tyson walked up to a gorilla and smashed him in the face, the gorilla probably would’ve been surprised, annoyed, and walked away. Why bother? It’s not like its ego is tied up in prizefighting. He just wants to eat and be left alone.

So yes, a silverback would have a strength and size edge, but a young, coked-up Mike Tyson had more animalistic intensity than most animals! I think Iron Mike would’ve bopped the monkey in his “snotbox” and the gorilla would’ve retreated.

Which is actually how Tyson’s fight with Polish boxer Andrew Golota ended:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=shorts&/HYgyODXnins&wmode=opaque&rel=0

If you still disagree, I’d like to point out a weird boxing factoid that most people don’t know: There’s actually precedent for the ex-heavyweight champion battling a big ape!

James Jeffries was the heavyweight champion in the late 1890s through the early 1900s. He was roughly Tyson’s size, too: About six feet, 220ish pounds.

When Jeffries was in his 50s (like Tyson is now), a large, strong orangutan named Joe Martin escaped from the circus and violently seized a small trapeze artist named Babette Letorneau. The frightened woman screamed and fainted. No one knew what to do.

Except for James Jeffries, who was boxing exhibitions at the circus: The former champ yelled at the orangutan and charged the animal — with both fists raised!

The orangutan dropped the trapeze artist, ready to fight. It was on like Donkey Kong!

Jeffries fired the first punch but missed — and the orangutan seized the advantage by leaping on Jeffries’ back, bearhugging him tightly. The world’s weirdest, craziest fight was now fully underway.

Undaunted by the now-grappling monkey, the ex-champ threw himself back-first to the ground, momentarily knocking the wind out of the orangutan. Man and monkey quickly rose to their feet, ready to continue.

But this time Jeffries was prepared — and he knocked down the orangutan with a single punch! And then, even though it violated the Marquess of Queensberry’s rules of boxing, Jeffries climbed on top and pounded the orangutan until it was unconscious.

Human 1, Monkeys ZERO!

So yes, I think a maniacal, coked-up Mike Tyson would’ve whooped that gorilla. And tonight on Netflix, I’m gonna eat a banana and hope he does the same to Jake Paul.

My brain tells me that Jake Paul will win. After all, Father Time is undefeated. Tyson is pushing 60; Jake Paul is 27 and in his athletic prime. Time waits for no man. Eventually, Father Time sinks his hooks into all of us. It’s inevitable.

But my monkey heart is still pulling for Tyson. And I’m hoping he’s got a few hooks left in him before he hangs up his boxing gloves for good.

https://youtube.com/watch?v=shorts&/n0ZRWMBNbO0&wmode=opaque&rel=0

I just hope Tyson can hit harder than he slaps.