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WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Department of Government Efficiency has wasted no time in identifying 535 government employees residing in the Capitol Building who haven’t done any work in years.

According to an internal DGE memo, this particular block of useless lumps drawing government paychecks was surprisingly easy to identify and expose.

“This group is, without a doubt, one of the most useless bunches of government excess that one can imagine,” Elon Musk noted in a post to X. “Records show that they haven’t done a single productive thing in decades. Totally, completely surplus — fat just begging to be trimmed right there.”

Sources say that the group of 535 completely worthless, lazy bums seems to have been hanging around D.C. for quite some time now. On being asked what exactly it was that they did for a living, most replied with shrugs, though two or three got up to read aloud from “One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish” for several hours.

At publishing time, the 535 had pointed out that they had in fact contributed to the country by making several spreadsheets, memos, and resolutions.

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