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In the alternative reality that is HBO’s Last Week Tonight with John Oliver, the eponymous host claimed on Sunday that Kamala Harris ran “a centrist campaign” and therefore it is unfair for people to blame the far-left for her loss.

As Democrats seek to answer why they lost, Oliver reported, “Some Democrats are loudly claiming the party needs to move to the center, with New York Congressman Tom Suozzi arguing, ‘The Democrats have to stop pandering to the far left,” citing trans rights as an example, saying, ‘I don’t want to discriminate against anybody, but I don’t think biological boys should be playing in girls’ sports.’”

Oliver had “a few” thoughts to share, “First, if what you want is a centrist campaign that’s quiet on trans issues, tough on the border, distances itself from Palestinians, talks a lot about law and order, and reaches out to moderate Republicans, that candidate existed, and she just lost. Guess how many trans speakers there were at the DNC? I’ll give you a hint: it is a very round number.”

He also claimed that “I’m not sure how you reach out to moderate Republicans more than appearing with Liz Cheney multiple times, unless you literally dig up Henry Kissinger’s corpse and prop it up at a rally in Michigan as Katy Perry sings ‘Rolling in the Deep.’”

Sure, Harris campaigned with Cheney, but nobody believed her centrist act because she had no record of being one prior to Joe Biden dropping out of the race. The charge that Harris supported taxpayer-funded sex changes for illegal immigrant prisoners stuck because it was true not to mention her current positions of being a full-fledged abortion and price control enthusiast. 

Speaking of transgender issues, a disappointed Oliver continued:

And finally, regarding youth sports, there were a lot of attack ads on that issue and it was frustrating to see the Harris campaign fail to formulate a response, especially because it’s pretty easy to do. Watch, I’ll do it for you right now: as we’ve discussed before, there are vanishingly few trans girls competing in high schools anywhere. Even if there were more, trans kids, like all kids, vary in athletic ability, and there’s no evidence they pose any threat to safety or fairness. It is very weird for you to be so focused on this subject, and finally, if you genuinely want to address the biggest concern for most girls who play high school sports, you’d worry less about this and more about the creepy assistant volleyball coach who keeps liking their posts on fucking Instagram.

First of all, the weird attack didn’t work, so Oliver can go ahead and retire it. Second of all, it’s not just high school, although that is a problem. It is middle school and college as well. The quantity and range of athletic ability of transgender athletes don’t matter because it takes just one to spoil the entire competition. Contrary to Oliver’s claims, the evidence is everywhere the fairness of women’s sports is under threat; he just doesn’t see it, just like he didn’t see all the evidence Harris isn’t a centrist.

Here is a transcript for the November 10 show:

HBO Last Week Tonight with John Oliver

11/10/2024

11:21 PM ET

JOHN OLIVER: For instance, some Democrats are loudly claiming the party needs to move to the center, with New York Congressman Tom Suozzi arguing, “The Democrats have to stop pandering to the far left,” citing trans rights as an example, saying, “I don’t want to discriminate against anybody, but I don’t think biological boys should be playing in girls’ sports.” 

A few things about that. First, if what you want is a centrist campaign that’s quiet on trans issues, tough on the border, distances itself from Palestinians, talks a lot about law and order, and reaches out to moderate Republicans, that candidate existed, and she just lost. Guess how many trans speakers there were at the DNC? I’ll give you a hint: it is a very round number. 

Also, I’m not sure how you reach out to moderate Republicans more than appearing with Liz Cheney multiple times, unless you literally dig up Henry Kissinger’s corpse and prop it up at a rally in Michigan as Katy Perry sings “Rolling in the Deep.”

It’s okay not to have the range for a song, Katy! And finally, regarding youth sports, there were a lot of attack ads on that issue and it was frustrating to see the Harris campaign fail to formulate a response, especially because it’s pretty easy to do. Watch, I’ll do it for you right now: as we’ve discussed before, there are vanishingly few trans girls competing in high schools anywhere. Even if there were more, trans kids, like all kids, vary in athletic ability, and there’s no evidence they pose any threat to safety or fairness. It is very weird for you to be so focused on this subject, and finally, if you genuinely want to address the biggest concern for most girls who play high school sports, you’d worry less about this and more about the creepy assistant volleyball coach who keeps liking their posts on fucking Instagram.