What's driving the loneliness epidemic? ABC News spoke to

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Fresh off its utter failure to understand anything and everything about American electoral politics in the 21st century, the mainstream media has now shifted to trying to understand loneliness by … well, here:

To combat the loneliness epidemic, professional cuddlers like Jasmine Siemon from Bethesda, Maryland, are leading the way. She uses platonic touch therapy to assist adults dealing with issues such as intimacy, anxiety and loneliness

Here’s the video if you want it:

Me, if I’m feeling lonely and someone asks if I want to cuddle a stranger for “platonic touch therapy”:

Don’t worry, though, there are “boundaries” with this form of “therapy.” (Okay, it sounds just as weird either way.)

“I want to know what their touch history is. There’s a clear understanding of having agency over your body in the session,” she said. “At no point am I going to touch you in a way that you’re not comfortable with or that you’re not curious about, and vice versa. So the boundaries are the rigid boundaries — no touching anywhere a bathing suit covers.”

Yeah, um, again…

Folks, here’s a sincere tip: If you’re feeling chronically lonely, go about fixing it the normal way. Go to a group at your church. Call up some friends and have dinner. Find some people who share your hobbies and do stuff with them.