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We interrupt your election coverage – it’s been three days now! – for the real news story this week that has so far gotten swept under the rug. 

Not anymore, though. Not on my watch. Not when I’m on the OutKick Cracker Barrel beat. Bobby Kennedy’s Making America Healthy Again, and I’m Keeping Cracker Barrel Great. We both have our own battles. Will they at one point intersect? Dunno. Probably. But whatever. 

Anyway, back to the Barrel … there’s a whistleblower on TikTok currently going viral for – allegedly – uncorking a truth-bomb about Cracker Barrel’s famous apple dumplings. 

That’s right … the Apple Dumplings. Betcha haven’t thought about those bad boys in a while, mainly because they were yanked from the menu. Right from our hands. We had it so good, and they took it all away. 

Now, this TikToker – a former waitress – alleges Cracker Barrel did this for a simple reason: these things were making us all incredibly fat and unhealthy. 

Bring back the dumplings, you crooks!

“They were forced to put all the nutritional info and calories on the menus, and they had to take apple dumplings off the menu because it had so many calories in it.

“They were like, we can’t admit to that, and there was outrage that the apple dumplings were taken off. I mean outrage.”

Yeah, no shit, @theharpsichord. This is America. At least it was. The Cracker Barrel apple dumplings gave me such joy back in the day. I mean, just an absolute treat. 

Was I a fat kid? You bet. Do I come from a relatively big family? Sure do. But that doesn’t mean you take away the apple dumplings just because the woke FDA makes you put nutritional labels on everything. You think anyone at the Cracker Barrel is reading those things? 

To quote a certain outgoing president, come on, man!

Of course we don’t! We go to Cracker Barrel to do three things: sit in the rocking chairs while we wait for our names to be called, shop for stuff we’d never buy anywhere else, but we will today because we’re hungry and bored, and eat our brains out with some of the greasiest, most delicious food this side of the Mississippi. 

That’s it.  You think we’re there to count calories? The only thing we’re counting is the holes on that weird golf tee game at every table. That’s it. 

Bring back the apple dumplings! Make America Great Again!