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We’ve made it – BEST day of the year. That’s right. I said it. Halloween is the best day of the year. Best month, best day, best holiday. 

Look, it may not have the pizzazz of a Christmas or Thanksgiving as far as food and/or gifts go, but today has something those two holidays don’t have: movies. 

Horror movies – especially this time of year – are the absolute best. Obviously, you have to be into that sort of thing to appreciate today, but if you are, this is the day for you. 

I am, which means – for the next few minutes – you are, too! 

It’s Week 9 (scary) NFL Power Rankings: ‘Teams Ranked as Halloween Horror Movies’ edition!

Let’s get to slashing. 

Tier 1: The Halloween (1978) tier 

1. Detroit Lions (LW: 1)

2. Kansas City Chiefs (4)

3. Baltimore Ravens, but only when they’re not playing the best QB in the league (2)

4. Jameis Winston. All of Jameis Winston (NR)

5. Minnesota Vikings, but only when the game isn’t rigged (3)

6. Buffalo Bills (8)

7. Houston Texans (7)

It just doesn’t get any better than the original Halloween. It’s nearly 50 years old, and there still hasn’t been a horror movie that comes even close. 

And the best part? No gore. No dropping 75 F-bombs a minute. Still some boobs. And the music? The score of the original Halloween is not only the best in horror movie history, but arguably the best in cinematic history. There, I said it. 

The Halloween theme is recognizable, even to non-horror fans, and it literally makes the entire movie. Think about it? Go back and really watch the OG Halloween. Very little dialogue. It’s all music. Take the music away, and it’s a completely different movie. Brilliant. 

Lions left their offense at home Sunday and still put up a billion points. What a team. 

Chiefs are somehow undefeated and potentially average at the same time. It’s insane. 

Lamar doesn’t hold a CANDLE to Jameis Winston. I’ve been begging this crooks in Cleveland to start him for weeks, and they got the full experience Sunday. 

The FULL DAMN EXPERIENCE:

Tier 2: The Scream (1 & 2) tier 

9. Green Bay Packers (9)*

10. Pittsburgh Steelers (13)*

11. Washington Redskins (10)

12. Atlanta Falcons (18)*

13. Tampa Bay Bucs (11)

14. Philadelphia Eagles (15)*

15. San Francisco 49ers (16)

16. Emily Mayfield!!! (NR)

*Might be ass, might be good, and might also decide the next president 

If the Halloween franchise didn’t exist, the Scream franchise would probably be more appreciated this time of year. That being said, I can make an argument that the first two Scream movies are the best 1-2 punch in horror movie history. 

Neve Campbell and Courteney Cox are elite – as you learned last week – and the way both movies somehow weave making fun of themselves AND being serious/scary at the same time is second to none. 

Also, and this isn’t a music class so please don’t get it twisted, but the soundtracks in the first two movies are easily the best we’ve ever, ever seen. 

Now, like any great franchise, the movies take an absolute nosedive after 2 (although 3 isn’t bad compared to the garbage that follows). Still, the first two are plenty good to make up for it, and a strong movie(s) to watch tonight while you pound enough Almond Joys to put you in a coma. 

That’s right – Almond Joys! Best candy out there. I said it. 

Can’t figure out if the Steelers are truly good or not, but they’re creeping their way to Tier 1 – which should terrify everyone. Just vote right, please. That’s all we ask. 

Redskins with an all-time win to cap an all-time yucky game. 

Bucs have a Kirk Cousins problem. 

Emily does not. 

Tier 3: The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown tier 

17. LA Chargers (19)

18. Denver Broncos, but they start playing actual NFL teams again this week so buckle up (20)

19. Seattle Seahawks (17)

20. Arizona Cardinals and tiny Kyle Murray, who was really a pain in my ass last week (24)

21. Officials with money on the LA Rams (NR)

22. LA Rams (22)

23. Tony Hinchcliffe (NR)

24. Cincinnati Bengals, but they may be cooked (21)

25. Macaulay Culkin (NR)

Didn’t see it coming, did you?! That’s right. Charlie Brown and his ragtag group of misfits checks in at a respectable No. 3 this week. 

Now, I may be a bit biased on this one because my toddler watches some version of Charlie Brown every week, sometimes multiple times. Whether it’s the Christmas one, Halloween, Thanksgiving or Valentine’s Day, I know every single holiday Charlie Brown movie like the back of my hand. 

Stupid Lucy is the absolute worst in every single one. Spoiler alert. 

But, the Great Pumpkin is the best of the bunch. Watching Linus spew BS about “the Great Pumpkin” rising up to deliver toys on Halloween night, only to be disappointed by the end in classic Linus fashion, never gets old. 

And the scene where Charlie Brown just gets rock after rock after rock for Halloween is laugh-out-loud funny. Does any kid in the history of time have it worse than Charlie? No shot. Society HATES him. 

Are any of these teams good? No clue. Could they all BS their way into the playoffs? Absolutely. 

Broncos have played the Jets, Raiders, Saints and Panthers the past month. They get Baltimore on Sunday. Seems like a decent step-up in weight class. 

I hate Kyler Murray. 

I do not hate Macaulay!

Tier 4: The Freddy Vs. Jason tier 

26. Dallas Cowboys (28)

27. NY Yankees (25)

28. NY Jets (27)

This one is simple. Freddy vs. Jason is a bit of a cult classic when it comes to the horror movie game because it was such an absurd movie to make at the time (2003), but it actually worked out surprisingly well. 

That being said, both slashers are very clearly washed throughout the movie, and by the end of it you’re like, ‘Eh, we probably didn’t need this after all.’

All three teams here used to be good and now stink. STINK. 

Next.  

Tier 5: The Halloween II (2009) tier 

29. Chicago Bears based on the ineptitude of the final play alone (23)

30. New Orleans Saints (30)

31. Indy Colts, who will now win 9 of their last 10 with Joe under center only to lose by a decent margin at 4:25 on the first Saturday of wild card weekend on NBC (29)

32. Cleveland Browns!!!!!!! (42)

33. Mystery Trump fan (NR)

34. Miami Dolphins, who are toast but at least look less ass-y with Tua back (34)

35. New England Patriots (38)

36. Jacksonville Jaguars (32)

37. New York Giants (35)

38. Daniel Jones in primetime (NR)

39. Tennessee Titans (37)

40. Oakland Raiders (40)

41. Raiders of the Lost Arc (NR)

42. Laura Croft in Tomb Raider (NR)

43. Texas Tech Red Raiders (NR)

44. Carolina Panthers (36)

I mean, just the worst movie of all time. Rob Zombie’s original Halloween remake in 2007 was actually decent. But this sequel? It’s like he just stopped giving a shit and decided to go completely off the rails with one of the most sacred franchises in movie history. 

For starters, Michael doesn’t wear a mask for 80% of the movie, which is just the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen. The mask is the scariest part of Michael, dummy. 

I mean, what the hell is that? Michael Myers is a viking in this one. What a miserable movie. 

It’s also just all boobs and gore. Now, I’m a big fan of boobs, don’t get me wrong. Love them. But there’s a time and place for them in every horror movie. They cannot become the movie. When they do, you’ve just made a porno, which is fine but also not what we came for. 

Also, Zombie somehow takes every single character we liked from the remake, and makes them unbelievably unlikable in this one that you’re happy they all basically die at the end. Impressive. What a disaster. 

All these teams are disasters in their own special ways. The Bears should probably be a little higher but they’re in timeout for obvious reasons. The Browns WILL be higher moving forward because, as I said, we respect greatness around here. 

Daniel Jones is 1-15 in his career in primetime, which is impressive not only because of the record, but because the NFL has given Daniel Jones 16 primetime games. 

Trump fan Francesca Massey!