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U.S. — With the first Tuesday of November quickly approaching, the entirety of the nation’s population took solace in the fact that no matter who wins the election, the political text messages would stop.

After several months of constant bombardment from political candidates, the American people expressed relief that, regardless of the outcome on election day, the constant stream of annoying messages from various candidates desperately begging for money would soon be over, at least for a few years.

“Make it stop. Please, Lord, make it stop,” said Richard Carlyle of California. “The notifications… the unending notifications… they have to stop. I’ve heard from all of them today. Trump. Kamala. Senators. Congressmen. City Council members. The school board. I even got a text message this morning from a guy who said he’s running for dog catcher in Orange County. My phone wouldn’t stop ‘dinging,’ so I put it on silent, but it just buzzes all night long and keeps me from sleeping. I’m going to go insane. At least after election day, it’ll stop. I don’t even care who wins at this point, just stop the texts!”

Americans from other parts of the country agreed. “Yeah, it’s been too much,” said Bertha Maynard of North Carolina. “I was about to have a breakdown from all the political text messages right before the hurricane hit. Thankfully. That knocked out cell phone service. My home is gone and I don’t know how I’m going to put my life back together again, but I haven’t had to deal with the political texts. Not everything about hurricanes is bad.”

At publishing time, the Harris-Walz campaign announced plans to continue sending the American people weekly text messages just to check up on them.

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