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It’s official: Gisele was having her back blown out by her boy toy jiu-jitsu instructor Joaquim Valente. Gisele is pregnant, according to PEOPLE. 

The outlet reported Monday that a source “close to Bundchen” says it’s a done deal. Gisele, 44, is knocked up. 

“Gisele and Joaquim are happy for this new chapter in their life and they’re looking forward to creating a peaceful and loving environment for the whole family,” the source adds.

Joaquim Valente and Gisele Bündchen are seen on a bike ride in Surfside, Florida. (Photo by MEGA/GC Images)

In February, I turned in some of my best work of 2024 and it came via the Gisele-Brady divorce: 

Hey guys, women cheat. 

You go away to fight wars and the next thing you know she’s boning the electrician or the assistant football coach who’s teaching your kids the sport while you’re in a combat zone. 

Or you’re off playing football for seven months and your wife is at home scissoring with the jiu-jitsu instructor while you’re dealing with Bill Belichick being a bitch, but you’re married to the game and the last thing you want to do is kick your wife out of the house during another Super Bowl run. 

In the least surprising news I’ve ever read, Tom Brady has now “accepted” that Gisele, the mother of two of his children, was having her back blown out by her boy toy Joaquim Valente and it had been going on for “years,” according to sources who talked to Page Six. 

But this is horrible news for humanity and the repopulation of Earth. 

It further reinforces the belief in the head of men that they shouldn’t risk half of their 401ks, their Dodge RAMs, 18 years of child support and financial despair by marrying only to find out Beth has been getting rammed by some guy on the coed softball team she joined (by herself, not with you) after losing 30 pounds and getting back into the shape she was in during her senior year of college. 

That post really came from the heart. I was feeling it that day. Seriously, that has to be some of the best prose you’ve read all year. 

I’ve been at this job way too long to believe those early reports that claimed Joaquim and Gisele were scissoring on a wrestling mat and there was nothing going on. Tom was literally glued to the football life for eight months at a time. 

Meanwhile, Gisele was getting instructions on the side. 

Yet again, the OutKick Culture Department called it.