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LOS ANGELES, CA — A late-breaking report confirmed that the police helicopter hovering above your neighborhood either said to go outside and help look for a missing old guy or to lock your doors and stay inside because there’s a serial killer on your street.

While sources were adamant that the message was either one or the other, they were unable to determine which one it was because the helicopter’s loudspeaker was almost completely unintelligible.

“We don’t know for sure what it was saying, but it was definitely one of those two,” said a nearby witness. “We were inside watching some Netflix when we heard the helicopter buzzing right above the house. The police were saying… something. It might have been asking for us to help find a lost old man, or it may have been warning us that a deranged murderer was going house to house wiping out entire families. One or the other.”

Multiple citizens reportedly rushed out of their homes in an attempt to hear the helicopter’s message more clearly, which may have been obedient to a call for help from the neighborhood or blatant disregard for a law enforcement officer’s direct orders to shelter in place. “We kind of just took our fates into our own hands,” another neighbor said. “It was a 50-50 chance — either become heroes by saving an elderly man or end up bleeding to death in the front yard.”

At publishing time, everyone in the area had been accounted for, meaning a serial killer had not struck the neighborhood. Yet.

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