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CHINO, CA — Anonymous reports from a church small group indicated local man Evan McDonough requested a hedge of protection from God to keep him safe from his struggles with temptation but was surprised to receive God’s answer in the form of an actual hedge. Of protection.

“I mean. I guess it keeps me from drinking,” McDonough told reporters. “But it’s a little inconvenient to walk around with a hedge around me at all times.”

Sources confirm the hedge miraculously sprang up from the ground to protect McDonough, even as the words of his prayer were still hanging on his lips. At first, he was amazed. “Wow!” he exclaimed. “Lord, truly, you are — wait. Is this boxwood? Huh.”

Since the miraculous event, witnesses reported that McDonough has prospered. But while his possessions have increased in the land and his family is protected, he is also surrounded by an actual hedge, making the simplest activities — like fitting through doorways — considerably more difficult.

According to those close to McDonough, not everyone was thrilled by the development. Specifically, his wife claims she can’t invite him anywhere now. “He won’t even fit in the car. Why won’t he curse God and die?” she said.

In all this, Evan remained faithful. “Far be it from me to reject a gift of God, but — no, it’s fine,” McDonough said. “It’s fine.”

At publishing time, scholars expressed a belief that the Apostle Paul was surrounded by a similar — but more thorny — hedge, resulting in him having to constantly deal with a thorn in his flesh.

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