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ROCHESTER, MN — Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have discovered a miracle cure for hangovers they’re calling “Just Don’t Drink A Gallon Of Alcohol, You Drunkard.”

“For hundreds if not thousands of years humans have been plagued by the ravages of nasty hangovers,” Doctor Ralph Thompson told reporters. “After decades of intense research, we are proud to announce that our scientists have finally discovered a miraculous, breakthrough treatment that is literally one hundred percent effective at curing hangovers.”

Thompson said his team found a direct link between waking up feeling like the underside of a boot and drinking way too much booze the night before. “We ran extensive clinical trials, and found a shockingly strong correlation between drinking like a monster and feeling hungover the next day,” explained Thompson. “Even more incredible, not a single person woke up with a hangover who didn’t pound alcohol the night before. The results are staggering.”

To cure a hangover instantly, Thompson recommends not going for that third, fourth, or fifth drink.

“Feeling like an absolute waste of a human, the headaches, the nausea, the spins, all of this can be remedied by not slamming several glasses of whiskey. It’s astounding.”

As of publishing time, Thompson’s team was also working on the cure for that feeling you get after eating an entire bag of Halloween candy in one sitting.

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