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Another Columbus Day has come and gone, along with the annual tradition of different groups of people debating Christopher Columbus’s place in history and whether he was a hero to be celebrated or the perpetrator of horrible acts. You may have heard allegations that Columbus did bad things, but you haven’t heard the half of it.

Through extensive historical research, The Babylon Bee has compiled the following list of atrocities committed by the so-called “good guy” Christopher Columbus:

  1. Smiled at the first Indian he saw: A clear microaggression.

  2. He was a Christian: Need we say more?

  3. Founded the city of Columbus, Ohio: A less-forgivable sin will be challenging to find.

  4. Directed Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief: Not only that, but some accuse him of also directing Home Alone 2: Lost in New York… which shot evil fascist Donald Trump to superstardom.

  5. Shares the same first name as Christopher Walken: The one who betrayed House Atreides by illegally deploying Sardaukar forces to support House Haronnen’s coup of Arrakis.

  6. Sent 50,000 Indians to their deaths in the pumpkin spice mines: Some say they’re all still stuck there working every fall.

  7. Created the Electoral College: This seemingly insignificant act would one day destroy democracy.

  8. He tricked the Indians by trading them a jar of shiny beads he got at HomeGoods in exchange for bars of gold: He knew that the Indian woman, like all other females, could not resist the lure of HomeGoods.

  9. Opened up the first Starbucks the week after he arrived: This put all the mom & pop Indian coffee joints out of business.

  10. He threw a huge wrench in the Indians’ whole human sacrifice operation: How dare you, Columbus?

As you can see, Columbus was not the guy you heard about in school. His horrible acts of unleashing civilization, cultural advancement, and the spread of Christianity to the Western Hemisphere should never be forgiven.

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