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MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A man who pretends to be straight went out into a meadow today to pretend like he was hunting.

“It’s just so relaxing to sit here and think about what it might be like if I was straigh — er, if I was hunting,” said Walz. “Ope! Got to calm down these jazz hands before I try pointing the ol’ gun thingy around.”

Walz then picked up a shotgun, carelessly twirling it like a baton. “Ah, takes me back to my days as a flag twirler,” said Walz. “Look at me out here, a real hunter going hunting. I do love the neon orange! Do the bullets go in the big brown part on the back?”

After surveying every angle of the gun in search of where to load shotgun shells, noted firearms expert Tim Walz dropped a couple in the barrel. “My time handling weapons of war has served me well once again,” said Walz proudly. “Yes sir, nothing like a pheasant hunt. Is that what we’re hunting? Hey boys, how about we each sing our favorite song from RENT while we wait?”

At publishing time, Walz had reportedly performed the lead number “76 Trombones” from Music Man using the shotgun as a pretend trombone.

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