The Gripe Report: Tiny Microphones, Yield Signs, Self-Checkout Sensors

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Hello and welcome to another edition of OutKick’s complain-iest weekly column, The Gripe Report.

I’m enjoying some nice, mild weather here in Central Florida after Hurricane Milton came tearing across the Florida Peninsula. Funny how that works, you always get the best weather right after hurricanes.

We were super fortunate to not even lose power and the extent of the damage appears to be some branches, palm fronds, and roof shingles. Of course, we were super lucky, and if you were impacted by either one of the recent hurricanes — Milton or Helene or, god forbid, both — I hope you’re doing well.

Now, let’s get to the reason we’re all here and that is to complain, and boy, do I have a good ol’-fashioned petty, “Dude, take a chill pill” gripe for you.

Have a Gripe? We all know you do! Send it in!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com

So, over the last couple of years, I’ve noticed a disturbing trend in microphones specifically ones used in social media videos.

For some reason, everyone insists on using the tiniest microphone they can possibly find. Yes, I’m well aware of the lapel mic (you’re talking to someone with a BA in Radio-Television from UCF, folks), but people don’t use them the way they were intended to be used, i.e. clipped to a lapel.

I know a lot of people don’t often have lapels, but you still clip the thing to your shirt. That’s not what people do though. They insist on holding the tiny mic between their thumb and forefinger with the rest of their fingers spread in an “Okay” symbol fashion or like they’re drinking tea out of a dainty little teacup and holding it just a few millimeters from their mouth.

Just clip it to your shirt! That’s what it’s for!

But what is more disturbing, is that I see people seeking out tiny microphones. I’ve even seen intentionally tiny versions of your run-of-the-mill handheld mics so that you’re meant to hold them in that thumb and forefinger style.

What’s most egregious is, I see this done for man-on-the-street style interviews. The interviewer holds the tiny mic right by their mouth and then holds it by the interview subject’s mouth. Do people not realize we have regular-sized microphones that don’t require you sticking your nasty cuticles in some poor sap’s face?

Look, I’m not saying we need to go back to Gene Rayburn Match Game ‘74 style microphones (I’m not opposed to it though), I just want to see people using microphones that aren’t so small you need to pick them up with tweezers.

Alright, enough of that. Let’s check out some of your gripes…

Yield Signs

John wants to know why people seem to have forgotten what to do with a yield sign. I would also like to know the answer to that:

Thanks for offering a place to get this off of my chest. My gripe: what has happened to the Yield protocol on the roadways? That is, when you merge into traffic and see a Yield sign, that means it is your responsibility to slow down or stop, if necessary, to avoid the flow of traffic on the roadway. 

Now, it appears that the majority of drivers feel as if the cars on the through roadway have the responsibility to move over or slow down–and the merging drivers have the right of way! This is ass-backwards and illegal. 

I mean, sure–if I can move over for the merging lane I will happily do so as a courtesy. If I’m two-wide and there’s no place to go, I’m not slowing down for the incoming, merging traffic. Many people now believe that the onus to Yield is on the through traffic; they dangerously slow-down to allow for the merging traffic to come into the flow.  I’ve even seen some through drivers come to a stop to allow the merging cars into a lane. This is murderous as the flow of traffic behind does not anticipate stops in the through lane–causing rear-end collisions.  

Please note: when you see a Yield sign, this means YOU have the responsibility to Yield and the through traffic has the right of way.

Thanks again! 

…

I see this all too often. 

In fact, I think some people do genuinely not understand who is supposed to be yielding. That sign is telling you to yield, not that everyone else will yield to you.

That move John mentioned where people try to merge onto the highway by what sure looks like closing their eyes, shouting “Bonsai!” and then cranking their wheel hard to the left is so wild to me.

Everyone seems to take the “Meh, everyone will get out of my way approach to driving,” which isn’t a surprise given that we’ve morphed into a society of narcissists, but it is wildly dangerous.

I think a huge part of the problem is that people aren’t well-educated when they start driving. Driver’s ed classes are often on the chopping block when budgets are tight, even though I’d argue it’s the most useful class a public school can offer.

Calculus is all well and good, but I’d rather someone finish high school knowing what a yield sign is and what you’re supposed to do when you see one instead of being able to find the derivative of a function (I took calculus in high school and have found exactly 0 derivatives since I graduated. I had to google what a derivative even just now so I could write this paragraph).

Furthermore, I don’t think it would kill us to brush up on this stuff. Maybe every couple of years you take an hour to brush up on traffic laws and they knock some money off your car insurance.

That’s a great idea I just had right there.

I’m Matt Reigle, and I approve this message…

Self-Checkout Sensors

Larry is going to wind things down for us this week by pointing out the fatal flaw in one of my favorite modern conveniences:

Self checkouts. The one where it keeps telling you to put your items in the freakin bag over and over even though they are in the bag. Meanwhile, everyone is looking at you mumbling who is this bozo.

…

Well, you’re talking to the Liberace of the self-checkout line…

Wait…

What I mean is I’m a self-checkout pro. I’m legitimately stunned that I haven’t been offered a gig at my local grocery store given the performances I’ve thrown down over the years. Nothing but quick, seamless scanning and bagging. 

I don’t even get tripped up by a heavy case of water, I just snag the handheld scanner and get it done in one silky smooth motion. 

No one says anything to me when I drop these performances but I can feel their gazes. They’re like, “Man, that guy is good at self-checkout kiosks… handsome as hell too.”

But I will concede that the self-checkout kiosk is a high-risk, high-reward piece of technology.

Sure, you can scan and get on with your life, but they will make you look foolish if you don’t know what you’re doing and the number one way that will happen is with the kiosks that require you to put items in the bag immediately after scanning them in some sadistic game of grocery Perfection.

If you lose, you need to get an employee to swoop and save you.

My local grocery store doesn’t have kiosks that do this, but I used to go to a place that did, and they can be maddening, especially for anything light. 

Got a pack of taco seasoning you want to buy? Then you better plan on spending some time wrestling with the self-checkout and having a 16-year-old who is only working at the store to earn money for Taylor Swift tickets bail you out.

That’s a tough, emasculating spot to find yourself in.

I’m skeptical of how much shoplifting those weight sensors have ever accomplished, so I say we follow my local supermarket’s lead and bid those things adieu so they never embarrass anyone again.

…

Alright, I think that about does it for this edition of The Gripe Report. We’ll get the gripe part up and running again next week, but in the meantime, be sure to shoot me some of your best gripes!: mattreigleoutkick@gmail.com