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SAMOA — Lesbian naval commander Yvonne Gray reportedly crashed the HMNZS Manawanui into a coral reef shortly after insisting that ships don’t have to go into ports.

“Ships in ports is old-fashioned thinking,” Captain Gray said, according to the ship’s log. “As long as I’m captain, this ship will never dock at a port ever again. Ports are for ports and ships are for ships.”

Despite attempts by the first officer to undermine her command by warning that crashing into a coral reef could damage the ship beyond repair, Captain Gray stood firm against the obvious mansplaining by her crew.

“I am a woman!” the log records her saying. “And I’m a lesbian!”

“I can do anything a man can do — “

The HMNZS Manawanui, a survey and dive vessel, then crashed into a coral reef where it promptly caught fire and sank. Fortunately, the crew was rescued after Captain Gray heroically called for help.

Though the crew is safe, an oil spill from the ship is believed to have irreversibly harmed the ecosystem, killing thousands of fish and setting back Samoa’s tourism for decades. Captain Gray says she is proud to be the first lesbian responsible for an oil spill.

The prime minister of New Zealand proudly announced that Captain Gray would be given the rank of Admiral and put in command of the five remaining ships in their fleet.

At publishing time, Captain Yvonne Gray was heralded as a hero and awarded the Navy Cross for showing extraordinary perseverance in the face of mansplaining.

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