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NEW YORK, NY — The excited mood among Republicans following last night’s vice presidential debate was quickly squelched by the breaking news that the Department of Justice had indicted Ohio Senator J.D. Vance for brutally beating three women.

A spokesperson for the DOJ confirmed that the federal government received multiple tips last night from people who said they had personally witnessed Vance mercilessly bludgeoning three females on live television.

“Senator Vance allegedly perpetrated a vicious attack last night,” said the DOJ spokesperson. “We were notified by an abundance of eyewitnesses who accused Senator Vance of soundly beating three women, one of whom is elderly and may be ‘special needs’. Upon further investigation, we determined there was enough evidence to bring an indictment against Senator Vance on these charges. We will be forced to issue a warrant for his arrest if he does not turn himself in… or just drop out of the race. That would be totally fine, too.”

One witness in attendance at last night’s debate confirmed the legitimacy of the allegations. “Yeah, he really whipped those three broads,” the debate attendee said. “He was trying to get his point across, but those three ladies kept squawking at him, so he just unleashed on them. By the time Vance was done speaking, none of those ladies were left standing. It was brutal.”

At publishing time, a representative of the Trump-Vance campaign released a statement clarifying that, despite conflicting evidence to the contrary, one of the people Vance battered was a man.

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