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I’m not going to lie to, y’all, it’s been a rough week.

You know the kind — where it’s just one thing after another. And I promise I’m not tone-deaf. I recognize (especially across the Southeast), there are masses of people who have way bigger problems than I currently do.

I’m just saying I sort of feel like this guy right now:

But fortunately, in these trying times, we have the Miami Dolphins for comic relief.

Under normal circumstances, I’m excited to watch my favorite team (Miami) play in prime time. But last night before kickoff, I texted a couple of Titans fan friends, and I said, “Y’all ready to watch the worst football you’ve ever seen in your life?”

Turns out, that’s exactly what it was. Just a tremendous display of buffoonery on both sides. I’d say that last night’s game set the NFL back 50 years, but that would be an insult to Don Shula and the last Miami Dolphins team to win a Super Bowl — 50 years ago.

So, oh no, we suck again. And I think our own Zach Dean said it best:

My condolences to those who are starting Sober October today because we all need a drink after that mess. Pull up a seat. It’s Nightcaps time!

Travis B. Says I Jinxed Lane Kiffin

Amber, last week you were all over “LaneTok” in Nightcaps and a few days later, he lost to Kentucky. Coincidence?

Amber:

Man, you might be right. Last week I said that as much as I dislike Lane Kiffin, his willingness to participate in his daughters’ TikTok foolishness is sort of endearing.

If I had known that all it took to knock Kiffin & Co. off their pedestal was to say something nice about him, I would have done that a long time ago. Even if it pained me.

Not that, as a Dolphins fan, I have any room to relish another team’s demise. But let’s just say I hope that Lane keeps dancing on TikTok and the Tennessee Volunteers keep climbing the AP poll.

Cameron Brink Is Engaged

Bad news, fellas. The Los Angeles Sparks’ 6-foot-3 stunner is officially off the market.

Cameron got engaged to her longtime boyfriend Ben Felter at Paris Fashion week. The couple, who have been dating for about three and a half years, first met at Stanford, where Cameron was (obviously) a star basketball player and Ben was a rower.

Is there anything more old-money-preppy-white-guy coded than being on the rowing team at Stanford? Without actually knowing anything about this dude, I’d bet his dad’s name is something like Quincy or Winston, and the family lives on a large estate with an elaborate flower garden. The house has a name too, and a butler speaks in a British accent when he greets you at the 10-foot-tall, castle-like wooden door.

Anyway, here’s the happy couple:

And that money’s going to keep rolling in, too. Ben studied computer science, and in 2022 started working at the Defense Innovative Unit as a portfolio analyst.

I actually don’t know what a computer science portfolio analyst does, but it sounds like something that makes a lot of money. If I could turn back time (in my best Cher voice), I might learn how to do something in software or finance. 

I have a good friend, whom I’ve known since we were little kids, and all through grade school and high school, he used to give me a hard time for being such an overachiever. I was that straight-A nerd who cared WAY too much about school, and he was a very smart (but lazy) underachiever who did what he needed to get by.

“Stop worrying so much about homework and test scores,” he’d say to me. “No one in your adult life is going to care what grades you got in high school.”

I hate to admit that he was 1000% right. Literally, not a single employer has ever cared about my grades. Here, I could have been drinking and partying with the cool kids instead of studying. And now this friend in question makes a boatload of money as a financial analyst for a very large bank. So joke’s on me.

My dad (not named Quincy or Winston) is a hugely successful engineer. I could have followed in his footsteps, too. But NO, Dad! Math sucks. Writing is my passion!

Just jokes, I love my job. Besides, if I were sitting somewhere in a corner office, counting my millions on Wall Street, who would write Tuesday Nightcaps for you?!

Now THAT was a tangent. Back to Cameron and Ben… Apparently, he’s not just a computer science nerd. He’s also a surfer, and, in June 2024, Brink told PEOPLE that Felter has also turned her into “a huge art lover.”

“I love pottery and watercolor, even though I’m terrible,” she said. “It’s really lovely to just sit down and work your brain in a different way for a little bit.”

Congrats to the future Felters. Maybe someday they’ll go on to have good-looking little blond babies. Or just some very spoiled dogs.

Spirit Halloween Trolls ‘Saturday Night Live’

The 50th season of SNL premiered over the weekend. Yes, Saturday Night Live began in 1975 — meaning the Dolphins have not won a Super Bowl in the era of the sketch comedy show. And I don’t see it happening in Season 50, either.

But to kick off spooky season, SNL decided to poke fun at Spirit Halloween. You know, those costume shops that magically pop up in the storefronts formerly known as Circuit City every year around this time. 

The fake commercial had cast members roasting the Halloween store for taking over abandoned buildings and “providing vulnerable communities with the things they need most: Wigs that give you a rash, single-use fog machines and costumes of famous characters tweaked just enough to avoid a lawsuit.”

Well, Spirit Halloween didn’t appreciate that parody so much. So the costume shop put out a little zinger of its own.

The official X account for Spirit Halloween responded by giving SNL its own costume, tweaked just enough to avoid a lawsuit. The store posted a photo for an “SNL Season 50” costume titled “Irrelevant 50-Year-Old TV Show” that includes “dated references, unknown cast members and shrinking ratings.”

“We are great at raising things back from the dead,” they wrote in the caption.

The SNL “Spirit Halloween” YouTube clip may have nearly 1 million views at this point, but I think the store really got the last laugh here.

And while we’re on the topic of Halloween stores, watch out for this thing if you have a heart condition:

Texas Man Really Doesn’t Like Taylor Swift

This video has been all over X, so I feel like we have to address it.

A dude in Texas paid $4,000 for a signed Taylor Swift guitar at an auction. After he won and accepted the guitar, he promptly took a hammer and smashed it to pieces in front of the crowd, which included a bunch of little girls.

Feel tough now, buddy?

Look, I’m not a Swiftie myself. And I don’t care about this guitar. But this is the smallest d*ck energy I have ever seen.

If you, a grown ass man, pay thousands of dollars for a guitar only to smash it to pieces because you don’t like someone’s politics or music or the fact that her face is sometimes on your screen during a football game, you’re just a loser. Period.

But to make this even more pathetic, Taylor Swift’s merch company confirmed to Variety that the guitar the man destroyed had NOT, in fact, been signed by Swift — and was not even a certified official guitar used by the pop star. The Ellis County WildGame Dinner presented the guitar with a signed CD insert, but the guitar itself was not signed.

So this absolute beta male paid four G’s of his hard earned money to smash up a completely worthless and irrelevant instrument. Well done!

Would You Drink A Mustard Beer?

Forget pumpkin spice-flavored everything. Because nothing truly says Oktoberfest like a big, soft pretzel with a side of mustard and another side of beer cheese.

It’s a combo so iconic, in fact, that one Fort Worth Brewery is doing its best to cram all of that deliciousness into one convenient can.

Fletcher’s Corny Dogs is teaming up with Martin House Brewing to debut a mustard-flavored beer at the State Fair of Texas this year. The beer was first brewed as part of a collaboration with the Fort Worth brewery for its second annual Glizzy Fest in 2023. And now, they’re bringing it to the masses.

Oh, AND it’s 5.5% ABV, slightly higher than your average light domestic.

The best thing about the good old-fashioned American State Fair is that it serves as a smorgasbord of the most deliciously insane culinary concoctions. Growing up, I always looked forward to hitting up deep-fried-everything at the Indiana State Fair — just going from stand to stand with my friends and crushing everything with reckless abandon.

None of those fair foods should actually ever be consumed by the human body, by the way. And I think we could probably say the same about this mustard beer.

Except unlike the deep-fried Oreo funnel cake at the Indiana State Fair, there’s no possible way this beer tastes good. I mean, it just looks like a cup of mustard.

I scoured the Internet (and by that I mean a did a quick TikTok search) to find someone who has actually tried it. While I didn’t find anything about this specific beer, I did find a video of a fella named Mike taste testing another Martin House Brewing original, the mustard pickle relish beer.

And setting aside his absolutely horrendous pour (you’d think a guy who regularly reviews beer on social media would know how to cut down on the foam a little bit), this is pretty much exactly the reaction I expected. 

What’s the most bizarre flavored beer you’ve ever tried, and how was it? Email me at Amber.Harding@outkick.com and let me know. Maybe we’ll do a Nightcaps taste test!

It’s Ragnar Time!

The Bourbon Chase Ragnar Relay is just THREE DAYS AWAY, and Team Screencaps is ready! 

LEARN MORE ABOUT THE TEAM HERE

Stay tuned to Joe Kinsey’s morning installment (and social media) if you want to follow our 200-mile journey across Kentucky. It’s going to be sweaty, smelly, exhausting and a whole lot of fun.

Stuff I Liked

OutKick Nightcaps is a daily column set to run Monday through Friday at 4 p.m.

Follow me on X / Twitter at @TheAmberHarding or email me at Amber.Harding@OutKick.com.