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Of all the things I thought we conservatives would have to concern ourselves with in the final weeks of the presidential election campaign, I never imagined that the “masculinist” problematicalness of finding attractive women attractive would make the cut so early on a Monday morning. 

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Yet here we are, courtesy of Newsweek’s Marni Rose McFall and her 2,000-word article that seems far more obsessed with “hot girls” — and the conservative men and women who admire them — than your typical high school boys’ locker room. 

The story begins, as these things always seem to do, with Sydney Sweeney’s breasts.

“Sweeney appears to have kicked off the latest wave of conservative hot girls,” McFall wrote, “at a time when conventional beauty standards have been adopted as a purported antidote to ‘wokeness.'” Bournemouth University’s Amy Tatum added, “This focus on ‘hot girls’ is a way for the right in the U.S. to fight back against perceptions of ‘wokeness,’ holding up women in a sexualized fashion could be a tactic to reinforce gender stereotypes around women’s appearances.”

Only the progressive left could take a biological imperative and turn it into a cudgel for beating their political enemies.

Full Disclosure: Stephen Kruiser and I adopted Sydney Sweeney as the unofficial mascot of Five O’Clock Somewhere. What that means is that her name will randomly come up once every several weeks, we acknowledge her status as our unofficial mascot, and then we go back to what we were originally talking about.

The author of that piece, Amy Hamm, wrote that Sweeney knows she’s admired and owns “her sex appeal with zero apologies,” arguing that “today’s diversity, equity, and inclusion” advocates have discouraged admiration of beauty due to its exclusivity, implying that exclusion equates to hate.

“We aren’t supposed to admire Sweeney’s beauty; but we’ve done it anyways,” she added.

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What the actual hell? What are we supposed to do with beauty if not admire it? Ignore it? Hide it away? Stuff it full of Cheetos and Pepsi until it resembles the Michelin Man, and then shave off half its hair before dyeing it blue?

Yes, apparently. Because in addition to Sydney, McFall’s targets of opportunity include RNC national spokeswoman Elizabeth Pipko, Republican Congresswoman Anna Paulina Luna, and Haliey “Hawk-Tuah Girl” Welch.

This next bit from the article, however, gave the game away:

The conservative hot girl “isn’t a particularly new phenomenon,” Victoria Cann, an associate professor at the University of East Anglia in the U.K., told Newsweek. “Women have been positioned through the lens of the masculinist imagery in conservative, populist politics for a very long time.”

For that matter, neither is the progressive hot girl. They’ve just become more difficult to spot in the wild, due to the Left’s growing insistence that conventional beauty ought to be mocked or at least hidden away. 

But what Cann is also saying is that McFall’s news report isn’t actually news and was more of an excuse to run a lurid headline and several photos of hot girls like Sydney, Haliey, Elizabeth, and Anna Paulina.

Honestly, I’m so thankful for all the hot girls in the article that I won’t even call out McFall’s obvious hypocrisy in using them to sell her article.

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At least McFall didn’t accuse us of “seizing” or “pouncing” on Sydney because that really would be wrong.

Recommended: Team Biden Can’t Understand How It Blew Middle East Peace, and I Can’t Stop Cry-Laughing

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P.P.S. I wouldn’t leave you without a little Sydney Sweeney — having fun on SNL by making fun of that dreaded male gaze.